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Patches Journey

This site chronicles Patches journey through OSA

Three Months Can Be So Many Things

Filed under: Uncategorized — careygram at 8:46 pm on Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Three months can be the length of a summer vacation.  My son just started his and he is ecstatic.  It can be the end of a first trimester, when you’re past the “trouble zone”.  It can be your 90 day probation at a new job.  All exciting stuff.  It can also mean my girl is gone three months exactly today.  I knew it in the back of my mind.  I was trying to ignore it and not think about it.  I’ve been doing that a lot lately.  It’s become a sort of coping mechanism.  I started doing that because not too many people care to listen to you talk about something that happened “three months ago”.  They get “the look” that says “again?  When are you going to be over it?”.  I know they don’t understand.  They can’t.  I’m surprised more people can’t really empathize that well.  I’m surprised at a lot of things.  Surprised that people would think that I could get over losing the girl I had in my arms for 9 years who I will love and miss forever.  I’m not bitter or mad.  I just think I gave people more credit than I should have.  And maybe I’ve been that person in the past and this is my lesson in understanding.  Trust me.  I understand now.

It’s been three months of learning, longing, laughing, crying, aching, reminiscing, guilting…..everyone here knows it.  I really am better in that I don’t think about it all day every day and cry in front of people.  But the tears are right behind my eyes ready to come out at the mere thought of my girl.  I’ve been suffering from a lot of guilt about things I would tell another person not to be guilty about.  I’m coming up on some really hard “firsts”.  First summer without my summer baby.  Last year around this time we noticed Patches tripping a little.  We thought it was her eyesight and put on more lights for her and cleared paths better.  Looking back I feel so stupid.  Then she began limping and we thought that, like her brother, she might have pulled a ligament.  He healed on his own.  We thought she would too.  She got progressively worse as the summer went on.  I am trying hard not to think about it and it’s taking energy to NOT think about it while I’m still actually thinking about it anyway.

I don’t think I’m at a plateau.  I think sometimes are better than others.  Some days we see progress.  Sometimes we run back.  I’ve admitted that I don’t think there will EVER be a time that I talk about or think about my girl when I don’t cry.  I don’t think I’ll ever get over the trauma, the experience, the loss.  And I am perfectly ok with that.  I haven’t retreated from life.  I work, I exercise, I eat healthy, I parent, I love on Rooster, I see friends, go out with family.  I have lost 17 of the 20 pounds I put on when I was depressed and couldn’t leave my girls side all winter.  I care about my health again.   I can do all of that and still know that I’ll never get over missing my girl.  Never get over losing her, how we lost her, how she was sick, all the bad stuff.  I remember the good stuff too.  I can look at pictures.  I can’t watch videos.  I still kiss her picture.  I have her fur in my locket.  It’s been a long, hard, productive and educational three months.  Early on I thought I’d be further along than I am now.  At this point I don’t really care where I land.  Three months, three years, three decades…..if I am where I am now I’m still ok with it.  To me three months means a quarter of a year in the rest of my life has passed without my girl.  And there are more to come.

Nothing changes the hard cold facts.  I wonder if I’ll feel different in three months.  More time is definitely required.  But I’m still going, thinking, praying and thanking God for good friends who DO understand and listen, for my Rooster and my son and for the Tripawds community.  It’s all I can do for now.  And that’s ok.

xoxo

Debbie and Angel Patches



6 Comments »

   benny55

June 29, 2016 @ 12:55 am   Reply

So beautifully articulated. So heartfelt. So inightful. So full of love for sweet Patches.

Hopefully it’s somewhat cathartic to be able to share your feelings and thoughts SAFELY and without judgement with your “extended” family who understand like no others can.

I know it sounds “simplistic” ro say you are still so early in your grief, but you are. The “firsts” hit you like a ton of bricks. The “seconds”‘still hit you just as hard, but maybe a little differently. For me, it was a lot of, “I can’t believe it’s been two years…..it seems like yesterday.”

One thing I know for certain about your relationship with Patches, not onlynis it unbreakable, but the continuing lessons she’s teaching you are so full of “enlightenment”! She is such a good teacher…and you are such a good student!

One thing I just saw on another post about interacting with others. Maybe you could bring Patches up with family and friends by asking them to share a happy memory they have of Patches. One that makes you smile. I think sometimes people just don’t know how to respond or express their condolences. They may come across as “Aren’t you over this yet?” So by asking them to share a happy memory, they can engage in a way they feel more helpful.

And speaking of sharing a happy memory, we ALWAYS love seeing pics of Patches…and Rooster too!

I’m sooo glad you stay connected here. We care deeply about you and we all fell in love with sweet Patches!

Much love and many hugs

Sally and Alumni Happy Hannah and Merry Myrtle and Frankie

       careygram

    July 8, 2016 @ 1:28 pm   Reply

    Sally, you’re so sweet. And I KNOW this is a safe environment to speak in because I’m willing to bet that everyone here has gone through similar if not the same situations that I am. I agree that I’m still early in my grief. This might go on for years or it might never go away I just look forward and keep myself busy. When I stop being busy…..you know. I miss her, I ache for her and sometimes I just think over and over in my head I want my little girl back, my little ray of sunny love to lift my heart. And of course there’s no end in sight. BUT…..I took your suggestions and asked people to share a happy memory and boy did we crack up. My son had a funny one. When Rooster toots…….everyone knows it because he jumps and spins around because he thinks someone touched his behind. When Patches would toot……cool customer, maybe one eye cracked and we had no idea until we were gagging. And the funny part is that for a while we were still blaming Rooster because even when it was her he would jump and spin around and she would just smile and keep napping. OMG they were so funny together. It made me smile. Thank you for loving us, thank you for caring deeply because I have needed everyone here to help me not lose it and be unreasonably upset with people who don’t understand. I will never leave the tripawd community. You are extended family. And I will look for more pictures of my girl on my other computer because I have some very adorable ones. Like one of her sleeping with her little tongue sticking out. I hope you’re having a great summer Sally. As always I can’t thank you enough for your love, support and kind words.
    xoxo
    Debbie and Angel Patches

   dobemom

June 29, 2016 @ 3:42 pm   Reply

Well said, Debbie…..I can only imagine how I will feel when Nitro is no longer with me. I have a feeling it will be similar to what you are experiencing. Nobody can tell us when it’s time to move on, we all need to decide this for ourselves. I also have a feeling that no one will understand like the Tripawd family understands our grief – especially the people in my life – when that day comes for me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this new journey you are facing now.

Paula and Nitro

       careygram

    July 8, 2016 @ 1:41 pm   Reply

    Thank you Paula. If I can help one person get through this awful experience then I will feel like I paid it forward because you have helped me through it. I fully agree that no one else can understand as well as the people here in the tripawds community. This experience has opened my eyes though and I’ve become more empathetic to people going through rough situations that I can’t identify with. But I can definitely identify with the pain of grief. It’s universal. I am happy to share my thoughts and I can’t thank you and the community enough for helping me get through my grief. I will be here for everyone as well because I want to give back. I hope you’re having a great summer. Give Nitro a hug from me and tell him what a brave and wonderful boy he is.
    xoxo
    Debbie and Angel Patches

   ourtwomalamutes

August 9, 2016 @ 9:41 pm   Reply

Debbie and Angel Patches.
The ones that don’t get it dont matter anyway.
We all feel your pain here, lost or boy CY, over eight years ago , a few monthe before we got Mya, our Tripawd and Macleod. (couldn’t have just one, too much love in the room). I still get a tear in my eye when I think of my boy. Cy was such an awesome dog,friend,he was my buddy. When our time comes to cross, I know he’s waiting for us, with your Patches, on the other side of the bridge. We will meet again.

       careygram

    August 10, 2016 @ 5:54 pm   Reply

    Thank you, thank you so much. People here, the wonderful people like you who get it and want to help, you really DO help. You understand and you find it in your hearts to take the time to send me words of support and encouragement. We will definitely see our babies again one day. I owe her so much considering how much I learned from her and how much she gave. I can’t wait to hug her and thank her. and all the other tripawds gone before and her.
    xoxo
    Debbie And Angel Patches

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