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Patches Journey

This site chronicles Patches journey through OSA

What Else Can You Do?

Filed under: Uncategorized — careygram at 5:47 pm on Wednesday, August 10, 2016

It seems like it was only yesterday that I lost my baby.  I was doing good for a while.  At least I thought I was.  What I was good at was distracting myself and just going on, sometimes just going through the motions and sometimes being happy.  But this month is already hard.  I can’t sit outside and work without seeing an image of my girl lounging on the lawn with a smile on her face, a sunbeam warming her little tush.  There are permanent lines in my face from tears I think.  Last year at this time her limp was getting progressively worse.  I’m reliving my guilt at not having been smarter and taking her to the vets sooner.  I am guilty about so many things and there’s no escaping myself.  The distractions aren’t as good as they used to be and I feel like I’m sliding backwards.  Grief and loss are not for the faint of heart.  Sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself.  I’m driving with tears running down my face, hiding in bedrooms and bathrooms so others won’t see my crying my eyes out.  I had another moment of panic.  I have a locket with my girls name on it.  I wanted to find another of her hairs to put in so I’d have more of her with me.  I panicked when I went through the house and couldn’t find even one hair.  I broke down.  She’s gone, really and truly gone, did she ever exist?  And when I broke down I sat down on the stairs.  And there in the very crook of the carpet on the stairs I saw a bunch of her hair.  I grabbed a stash and I’m hoarding it.  I miss her, achingly so.  The memories of last year are creeping in and I’m getting scared again.  Of what?  I really don’t know and I’m having a hard time getting out of my own head.  And when I get like this I come to my tripawd community.  Somehow………..and I can’t figure out why and it’s not important but somehow knowing other people know this pain, have lived or are living this pain and giving me words of encouragement…….somehow it helps.  You don’t think I’m crazy.  You don’t think I’m dwelling or hanging on or “stuck”.  I’ve told people I’ll never get over this, never be the same.  The only people who understand are people who have been there, done that, know it and don’t judge it.  The pain is acute again.  I feel like I’m running away from it but it’s “dogging” me.  I know it’s going to be a long trial here from the anniversary of her diagnosis to the anniversary of her passing.  I thought last year was hard but at least she was still here.  This year …….it’s already brought me to my knees like a blow to the stomach.  I gained 20 pounds last year from the stress of worry, work travel moving and life.  I’ve lost that twenty plus a couple for good measure.  This year is different.  I’m no longer eating to fight the sadness that was eating at me.  I’m tending to not want to eat because I feel empty and I can’t handle food…….I’m tending to want to sit and give up a little.  I feel like I’m still in shock and thank goodness I have my son and Rooster and my friends.  Very un-me.  I’m going with it.  What else can you do?   I just need to do enough to get by for now.  I can put on a good face and fool the world but I can’t fool me.  Me and Rooster, we sit and we hug.  I cry, he licks away the tears and he knows why I’m crying.  I know there aren’t any answers.  I guess I am going to just hunker down in the trenches and wait for brighter days.  Hard times my friends, hard times.

Xoxoxo

Debbie and Angel Patches



6 Comments »

   dobemom

August 10, 2016 @ 6:58 pm   Reply

Oh Debbie, once again my heart aches for you…you keep on coming back to your Tripawds family and let us envelope you in a hug! I have no words to help ease you loss, but know that I feel it deeply with you. Just yesterday I mentioned you in one of the forums of someone wanting to know about THC oil; Rene (Jerry) sent her a link to your blog, so you will be helping someone else in their journey. Patches for sure sent you a sign by letting you find her hair! No one can tell you when YOU’VE grieved enough; that is for you, and you alone to determine. Never apologize for your grief – your grief is great because your love for your girl was great. I hope you find some peace in the coming days, weeks, months. Your Tripawd family is here for you always.

Paula and Nitro

       careygram

    August 11, 2016 @ 5:05 pm   Reply

    Thank you Paula for your support and for helping me help another tripawd parent in need. I needed the hug and the understanding. you all give me permission to grieve, to vent and to share my thoughts. It means more than you will probably ever know. Hug Nitro for me and I’ll have Patches tell him to give you a hug for her and me too.
    xoxo
    Debbie And Angel Patches

   Linda

August 10, 2016 @ 7:53 pm   Reply

Oh Debbie we do know we DO! About the time we lost Max (Jan) one of my other two furfaces Ollie started going downhill. He was almost 17. So after loosing Max I just was able to transfer that huge void Max left and go back into full time care mode of Ollie. We lost Ollie in April. Then the magnitude of this last year hit me hard. I was down to one furface for perhaps the first time in 20 years. The void was great and the chasm was deep. Now I started to worry about my perfectly healthy 5 year old getting sick. I put him on Orijen dog food, took walks with him and generally probably drove him nuts. He’s a collie and I can tell you he was never more brushed out and beautiful. But as the months went on I could tell Riley was mourning Ollie & Max too. I started trying to give him some new stimulation. I took him to Petco and we started going to our local dog park where he could meet and greet. He loved all of it and I found by trying to help him mourn I helped myself mourn too. We now have met some great people and pups and life is starting to get good again. I still shed tears almost daily for both Max & Ollie. Don’t know if my post will help you at all but thought I would share with you what I had to do from driving myself bat s**t crazy. It has helped me fill that huge void their leaving left. As Paula said never apologise for your grief. It is real and you have to deal with it everyday. Know we truly understand the pain you are in and wish somehow we could help you with it. We’ll always be here for each other because that is who we are.
Much love
Linda, Riley & Spirits Mighty Max & Ollie

       careygram

    August 11, 2016 @ 5:11 pm   Reply

    You are so right…….I cry for Rooster as well as myself. He misses her too and I see it. It kills me and I too feel like sometimes I’m going bat s**t crazy. I think I tried to talk myself out of my grief and I’m not sure why. Maybe I’m avoiding the pain. I did have my sister bring her dog over to our house to visit with Rooster. He loves all the dogs in the neighborhood and plays with them. Well….he USED to play with them. Two of them beat him up and he doesn’t want to play with the other dogs anymore. I thought maybe having my sisters little girl dog come over would make him happy. It was pretty clear within the first minute that if it’s not Patches he doesn’t want any other dogs near him OR me. Maybe that will change with time. Or maybe at 11.5 years old he’s just set on no one but Patches. I kinda feel the same way. We both need more time. This ride is NOT smooth…..thankfully I have a lot of great people on it with me. I’m not sure I made the height requirement but I strapped in anyway. Thanks for always being here for me. It helps more than you’ll ever know.
    xoxo
    Debbie and Angel Patches

   zeusysmom

August 11, 2016 @ 1:17 am   Reply

So sorry Debbie…
We all get it. I cry at the gym, in my car, with my patients at work, home, beach. It never ends. I miss my Zeus its only been 6 months. Please take courage in knowing youll see her again. Everyday you are a day closer to seeing her again. I will pray she sends you more signs. We are all here for eachother.
Love
Deb, Belle and Angel Zeus

       careygram

    August 11, 2016 @ 5:13 pm   Reply

    I’m sorry for you too Deb…..I hate that anyone else has to feel this pain but at the same time it’s nice to know that people understand me. It never seems to end, you’re right. Maybe it never will. I look forward to seeing her again and I know I will and right now that really is the ONLY thought that gives me some peace. I’m not wishing my life away but I do know that there will be a reward at the end of the journey for us.
    Thanks for your support, I’m here for you too.
    xoxo
    Debbie and Angel Patches

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