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Patches Journey

This site chronicles Patches journey through OSA

With a Sylph in my Heart….

Filed under: Uncategorized — careygram at 12:55 am on Wednesday, September 14, 2016

August 27th was my girl’s one year ampuversary…..I tried not to think about it.  Which was about as effective as trying not to breathe.  It was another first that I gritted my teeth through.  But…..  I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone that day, sitting in the little alcove outside of my kitchen, talking about how, just a year prior, my girl was in surgery.  As I was talking to my friend, yes, another dandelion sylph floated in front of my face.  And this time it gently floated to my feet.  I stopped mid-sentence.  My friend wondered what in the world could render me speechless.  I picked up that sylph with a tear in my eye and a smile on my face and put it right in my heart….my heart locket that is.  The very heart locket that has one of her hairs in it.  Being the firm believer that I am (for everyone else but me), as soon as I hung up the phone I went on the hunt for a dandelion, even one from which that sylph could have come from.  There’s not a dandelion for miles in my yard, neighborhood, zip code, there are none to be found.  Where could that seed have come from?  My inner skeptic was on high alert.  Given that it’s the second time this has happened as I was thinking or talking about my girl I finally let myself believe that it really is my girl talking to me.  And it made me smile.  I do smile more now.  I still cry too but I can talk about my baby with a smile on my face.  We can even laugh and tell stories.  We still miss our girl every day but missing her doesn’t occupy my thoughts 100% of the time anymore.  I don’t have to force myself to distract myself.  I can genuinely enjoy moments, people and things again.  I’m in a good place but I know there are more hard days to come.  I feel stronger and more prepared this time because there is no more ambiguity and stress and worry.  Just a lot of memories to cry my way through.  And it’s all ok.  I decided a while ago that I would be ok with never getting over losing her and I’d be ok with crying for her every day.  Well, I’m not over losing her but I’m not crying every day.  I’d say I’m getting by and feeling better.  There is more processing to do and more missing to do, but I know I can and will do it.   And so I carry on with a hair and a sylph and love in my heart where my girl still lives and always will.

xoxoxoxox

Debbie and Angel Patches



8 Comments »

   dobemom

September 14, 2016 @ 1:05 am   Reply

Oh Debbie – every time I read your words, I cry. But today, I feel they were more tears of joy than of sorrow. I believe she IS coming to you, and that gives me hope. T’m glad you’re getting stronger and more confident; I doubt you’ll ever get over losing her – how can you, when she’s your heart? But that’s ok, and you know that. Sending you hugs….you, too, are a warrior.

Paula and Nitro

       careygram

    September 14, 2016 @ 10:46 pm   Reply

    Thank you Paula, thank you so much. I don’t think I’d be where I am without my tripawds family. I need the hugs and kind words. I won’t get over losing her but I tell myself all the time it’s ok, there are no rules here, just feelings. I try to be a warrior but when I falter I come here to my tribe for reinforcement. You never let me down.
    love and hugs,
    Debbie and Angel Patches

   benny55

September 14, 2016 @ 1:19 am   Reply

After reading rhe link I posted below, you will have no doubt…zero doubt…that Patches is communicating with you! Clearly he is still your teacher and you are his student…a very good one at tat!

http://www.flowermeaning.com/dandelion-flower-meaning/

I’ll be checking back in a bit to see what you think after you’ve read about the dandelion. I’ll write more then.

Oh, I realized I missed your previous August blog…and I don’t EVER want to miss anything concerning Patches!! Again, I’ll write more later, but I LOVE the story about the different reactions of Rooster and Patches regarding their TOOTS! 🙂

With love and lots of hugs

Sally and Alumni Happy Hannah and Merry Myrtle and Frankie too!

       careygram

    September 14, 2016 @ 11:02 pm   Reply

    Wow…..I had no idea what the dandelion symbolized. No surprise she chose the to be “her” flower and then her sign. I love it It’s hard to doubt not one but TWO seeds floating in my face. Thank you for the extra “insurance” Sally. I want to know she’s ok SO BAD and of course if it’s anything except her standing in front of me talking, I tend to doubt. Thank you for your reassurance and for taking the time to find that for me. You’re so sweet. Once again, you lift my spirits and make me smile. And I too love the memories of dog toots and how funny my two babies were. I miss her so bad it hurts but it is getting better. I know I’ll miss her forever and that’s ok. How could I not? She has a piece of my heart and she’s holding it for me until I see her again. I hope you’re doing well. Thank you for helping me once again. It means the world.
    xoxoxoxoxo
    Debbie and Angel Patches

   Michelle

September 14, 2016 @ 11:53 am   Reply

It is hard and our journey is one that no one one understands unless they go through it. I am not just talking the grieving I am talking our whole journey. We have a bonding like no other. I am glad you are smiling more and Patches is sending you signs. Yes, signs like that “Penny from Heaven” only it can be something only we know about or that our babies show us that they are around.

hugs
Michelle & Angel Sassy

       careygram

    September 14, 2016 @ 11:06 pm   Reply

    Thank you Michelle and you are 100% right. It’s NOT just about the grief……it’s the stress, worry, guilt, all of it and more that is involved with dealing with canine osteosarcoma. It’s not a club anyone wants to be in but once you’re in it you can’t believe how wonderful the other members are. I truly appreciate you being here for me and helping to validate my signs from Patches. You know how bad it hurts and I’m sorry that you do. And even as you lost you are helping me deal with my loss. I’m always humbled by the love I find on this site.
    Thank you, xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
    Debbie and Angel Patches

   linda8115

September 14, 2016 @ 1:37 pm   Reply

Debbie I’m at the same place you are at. It was Max’s one year amp anniversary on Sept 1. I spent much of that day reliving the last year in my mind. While it’s still terribly painful, I do find myself not crying every day. The tears are still close but now I can control them they don’t control me anymore. I love that sweet Patches has chosen dandelions to send you messages. I know a lot of people don’t like them but I’ve always looked at the yellow on the sea of green lawn as Gods paintbrush. And as they turn to white it’s the circle of life beginning again. I love what Sally shared with you. That sums up my relationship with the dandelion perfectly. Thanks for sharing that Sally! Holding you guys in my heart and sending you much love and many hugs.

       careygram

    September 14, 2016 @ 11:10 pm   Reply

    I’m so sorry Linda. Right now you and I are still “in the trenches”. This site has people at all stages, looking at the trench, in the trench, out of the trench and traumatized by the time spent there. It hurts like nothing I’ve ever felt and we all know it all too well. I LOVE the way you describe dandelions. For some reason I’ve always love them, even as a kid. They fascinate me for their tenacity, beauty and versatility. The same can be said about my Patches so she picked the perfect flower. The symbolism is no coincidence. I know how you’re feeling right now and I’m sorry about you losing Max too. We can cry together, smile together and come to our loving tripawd family when it gets to be too much. I’m sending you hugs, love and understanding as we wade through the trench we find ourselves in.
    xoxoxoxoxox
    Debbie and Angel Patches

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