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Patches Journey

This site chronicles Patches journey through OSA

Sometimes You Just Need a Hug

Filed under: Uncategorized — careygram at 7:17 pm on Thursday, February 16, 2017

Wow.  It’s definitely been a while since my last post.  And not for lack of trying but my timing was all off.  Whenever I was dying to write I was busy doing other things.  Like driving.  And when I had the time to write…..I was catching up on stuff.  Like bad reality TV.  But my heart is still and will always be with the tripawd community and I will always be a tripawd mom.  Who is still plugging along trying to make sense of what I feel.  Because that is what analytic Type A+ people do.  It’s been an interesting time.  I know that having had my girl made me a better person.  Having lost her has made me a different person.  I contemplate more about the situation.  I ask myself “where am I with all this today?”

I’m not sure where I am and what I’m doing.  At least not today.  I can tell you that I talk about my experience a lot less.  And when I do, I don’t (Or at least I try not to) cry.  I can see the look on some people’s face when I talk about my girl.  They still get uncomfortable.  Like “is she going to cry?  If she is can I run?”.  Maybe they have forgotten about it, maybe they think I have or that I’m over it or at least SHOULD be over it.  Sometimes I just want someone to understand me, ask me how I am, tell me they know I’m sad and just give me a damn hug and let me cry.  Because I still cry.  A tear or two every day.  Usually when I’m alone in the car or my house.  Usually when I look at Rooster glued to me when we’re outside, inside, on the sofa, on the toilet…..  Rooster still needs hugs and I give them to him all the time because I get it.  Sometimes you just need a hug.  Like on Valentine’s day.  I was one little love short.  My birthday is coming.  She won’t be eating cake with frosting on her little nose.  It still hasn’t been a year and I’m dreading the year anniversary.  It’s all I’m going to think about on that day.  And then the next day after the anniversary will have me thinking about how broken I was after she was gone.  I was 28 pounds heavier, directionless yet needed to keep moving.  My son needed me.  Still does.  Rooster needed me.    Still does.  Now more than ever.  And here I am.  I need someone.  Maybe now more than ever.  So here I am with my tripawds.  No one understands unless they’ve been through it.  It’s made me a more understanding person.  Someone may be going through something I haven’t been through but I can empathize way more and feel for them.  And sometimes I give them a hug.  They seem to appreciate it.  This is the rest of my life.  And I know I still have another dog.  And he is going to be gone someday.  And I wonder if I’ll survive, or if I’ll want to.  It sticks with you forever, like anything else.  What’s different about canine osteosarcoma is the total loss of control, the total inability to make it better.  You  become a bystander.  You feel stress every day of the way from diagnosis to recovery or loss.  I grew up a lot.  I may have PTSD.  I don’t care.  Maybe 10 years from now I will honestly be able to talk about my babies and just laugh but not cry.  I’m certainly not there yet.  I see her everywhere.  To the outside world I look like I’m all better minus some “iffy” moments that are nipped in the bud when I see the look on people’s faces.  But my son understands.  He listens and cries with me.  Thank God for him and for the tripawd community because sometimes I just need a hug and I know where to get one.  I hope everyone here is doing well.  I’m sorry if you’re experiencing heart break and anguish.  I’m delighted if your baby beat whatever awful situation that caused them to become a tripawd in the first place.  No matter where I am or what I’m doing, I’m still a tripawd to the end.

And that’s where I am.  If you need a hug, or an ear or a tissue, let me know and I’ll be there.  And thank you for being here for me.  I’ll never go away.

xoxoxoxoxox

Debbie and Angel Patches



14 Comments »

   Paula Ehlers

February 16, 2017 @ 7:31 pm   Reply

Well said, Debbie….we DO get it, we ARE here for you, we WON’T look at you funny because you’re “still not over it”. Nitro is doing good, despite failing kidneys and being an elderly Doberman. But I, too, wonder where I’d be today if this journey hadnt happened; what kind of person would I be if I hadn’t experienced all of this? For sure it changes a person, perhaps for the better? Hard to say. Where are you located again? A bunch of Tripawd members are getting together Memorial Day weekend in Richmond, Virginia – and we’d love to meet you if this is at all possible. Let me know if you want any details.
Hugs to you, Rooster and your son!

Paula and Nitro

       careygram

    February 21, 2017 @ 3:56 pm   Reply

    Hi Paula,
    first let me say THANK YOU for always telling me exactly what I need to hear. You are always so sweet. I’m sorry Nitro’s kidneys are failing him but it’s for the right-ish reason…..key word is ELDERLY. He is such a trooper and I’m so thrilled that he has done the seemingly impossible and just survived. I’m praying for every tripawd and every tripawd parent as part of my prayer list and it gives me a feeling of joy to see you and him surviving yet never forgetting your tripawd community. Bless your heart. As for a reunion….oh God I would move hell and some high water to meet you all. I live in New Jersey but my parents have a place in Maryland that is about 4 hours from Richmond VA. Please send me the details and I will see if I can sneak away for an overnight or two. I would so love to meet in person and hug as many tripawd parents and pups as possible. Again, thank you for helping me heal and for being a friend. I cannot tell you how much you help.
    xoxoxoxoxox
    Debbie and Angel Patches

   linda8115

February 16, 2017 @ 8:59 pm   Reply

I hear you Debbie I hear you! Sending you a BiIG HUGE cyber hug! (((((((())))))))
Linda & Spirit Mighty Max

       careygram

    February 21, 2017 @ 3:58 pm   Reply

    Linda,
    you are so sweet, thank you so much. I know you know where I am. You’re about a month behind me if I remember correctly. To me it’s still like yesterday and it’s horrible. I don’t know if it ever leaves us because of how traumatic it was but I know I’m in good hands and arms. I’m sending a hug right back to you. Because you know, sometimes all you really need is just one good HUG.
    xoxoxoxoxox
    Debbie and Angel Patches

   Michelle

February 17, 2017 @ 2:10 am   Reply

Very well written Debbie. I know you said it might take 10 years and some people it may. It is going on 4 years for me and I can now talk about Sassy and smile but doesn’t mean I miss her any less.

We all understand and get how you feel. ((((((((((((Debbie)))))))) we are here for you anytime. And don’t forget you can always call the hotline to talk to anyone of our hosts. If we aren’t live at the time someone will call you back.
Most of us have been through this part of the journey.

thinking of you.

xoxoxo
Michelle & Angel Sassy

       careygram

    February 21, 2017 @ 4:01 pm   Reply

    Michelle, thank you, thank you so much. Hearing about how you feel now, four years in, does give me hope that someday the mere thought of her won’t cause me to break out into tears. You really do understand all of it, even the fear that someday I WILL be thinking of her and not cry. The complexity of emotions involved with not just healing but with moving on as well. But I forgot about the hotline! OMG thank you for reminding me. Thank you for taking time out of your day to reach out comfort me yet again. Thank you doesn’t seem to convey my gratitude but again, somehow I just know you know how I feel. And that alone lifts me up and helps me smile.
    oxoxoxoxoxo
    Debbie and Angel Patches

   dobemom

February 17, 2017 @ 2:21 am   Reply

Not sure if my other post went through…..just wanted you to know that we would never think you “should be over this”, we get it, all of it. And I wanted to let you know a bunch of Tripawd members are getting together over Memorial Day weekend, in Richmond, Virginia. I don’t remember where you live, but just throwing it out there if it’d be a possibility for you; we’d love to meet you – and give you a big hug!

Paula and Nitro

       careygram

    February 21, 2017 @ 4:03 pm   Reply

    Paula,
    you are an amazing and sweet person to take time out of your day not just to write once but twice to make sure I get the hugs you are sending. Please send me details. If I could just get here and get some hugs and talk I know it would help me exponentially. If you bring Nitro….I may never leave.
    Sending hugs to you and yours,
    xoxoxoxoxo
    Debbie and Angel Patches

   jerry

February 17, 2017 @ 4:09 am   Reply

Debbie, you know we all totally get it and we all send our love and hugs back across the miles.

A year is NOT a long time to “get over” such a profound, deep loss. I for one was not there, it took at least a few before I felt like I could even talk about Jerry without breaking down. So like you, I didn’t talk about to to anyone but Jim. And poor Wyatt, who had to tolerate all of the unfair comparisons.

Unless a person has been through what you and other Tripawds members experience, unless they understand animals the way people here do, they don’t get it and they never will. Sad for them, but for you…as you can see, even the downsides of the experience have made YOU a better human being. In turn, you make the world better by spreading the compassion and understanding it so desperately needs, now more than ever. Thank you.

I hope you’ll get to to go Richmond for the gathering. I wish we could be there but our hearts will be for sure. There will be lots of hugs waiting for you.

{{{{hugs}}}}}

       careygram

    February 21, 2017 @ 4:11 pm   Reply

    Renee, thank you so much. I think you make the most important point- unless someone has been there they really just can’t understand. Unless someone understands and loves animals the way we do, they don’t understand. And unless they are compassionate and really in tune with the people around them, even if someone they love has been through it…….they don’t understand. There are definitely good lessons that I learned and thankfully I’ve tried to pay it forward and help others who are in crisis and need to talk and need some compassion no matter what they are going through, whether or not I’ve been through the same thing. I think Patches is happy knowing that she did make me better for her ordeal. But God, I’ll never stop loving that brave and stoic little dog. And you all get it. There just aren’t anymore words I need to use to convey to you and the tripawds how I feel and I don’t need too many words to feel the love coming back. Even if you don’t get to Richmond or I don’t get to Richmond I do feel that someday we will meet. I travel quite a bit for work and I really do need to check in with my tripawds to see if I can connect with some of them when I go. I’ll be in New Orleans the first week of March and then Atlanta and Orlando the third week of March. If you know of anyone in those two areas……would you let me know? No better time to start than two seconds ago. But really………………thank you. From the top to the bottom of my heart.
    xoxoxoxo
    Debbie and Angel Patches

   teri

February 17, 2017 @ 5:07 pm   Reply

I think you were channeling me when you wrote this.

It’s only been a month since I lost my girl so I’m still crying more than not. I’ve been thinking a lot about what the journey has taught me, and I am most definitely a different person, both for better and worse. I do hope the “once a tripawd, always a tripawd” hold true, y’all are family.

So another set of hugs from me!
Teri and Angel Isa

       careygram

    February 21, 2017 @ 4:16 pm   Reply

    Oh Teri, I’m so sorry. I know where you are, and at times I’m still right there, reliving the day I lost my girl. It’s just horrible and there’s no way around. and you said something important. We are different in better ways and in not better ways. I’m definitely a little more bitter. I feel like I lost some innocence I didn’t even know I still had. I know life can be beautiful and now I know it can suck in ways I didn’t imagine. It’s a journey, that’s for sure. But I promise that you will ALWAYS be a tripawd. This community opens their arms and once you are in you are safe for good. We, including me, are and always will be here for you. I come here for hugs, words of wisdom, shared tears and things I didn’t even know I needed but they provided. I’m sorry for our shared experiences but thankful for all the new friends I’ve made. Keep in touch please. We care and we care alot.
    Hugs,
    xoxoxoxoxo
    Debbie and Angel Patches

   benny55

February 21, 2017 @ 5:32 am   Reply

Debbie, (((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))

You always articulate your feelings so beautifully and with such honesty. As everye has said, we get it. I really can’t add much to their heartfelt replies.

Always remember that Patches had THE best time with you and with Rooster! You loved him so completely and he felt the same about you. You gave your heart to Patches and he gave his to you. You will always feel Patches with you with every beat of your heart.

Have you thought about fostering a dog so Rooster can have some companionship? A foster dog could really learn how to be a good companion dog for somer after living with you for awhile. And who knows, it may end up being a “foster fail”:-)

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Sally and Alumni Happy Hannah and Merry Myrtle and Frankie too!

       careygram

    February 21, 2017 @ 4:23 pm   Reply

    My sweet, adorable Sally 🙂
    How are you? It’s so nice to hear from you. You actually made me LAUGH. A foster fail….you really DO know me lol. I’ve repeatedly thought about fostering or another dog but sometimes I worry that Rooster would be heart broken that he has to share me with someone he doesn’t know. On one hand he’s lonely and on the other hand he is the focus of our undivided love and devotion. It’s something we are keeping in the back of our minds. If the time comes we will definitely know it. We all miss her and I think just getting used to missing her has been our goal. If the right tripawd comes along, they will fit right in. Right now there is only room for one little tripawd in our minds and hearts and you’re right, I feel her with every beat of my heart, with ever fiber of my being. But along with that feeling is a loneliness and longing that pains me and coming here helps lessen the pain. You always know what to say and you articulate as well as I do. Thank you Sally for your support from the first day I found this community. You always take time to help me feel better and give me a hug and I will always take time to thank you for that.
    much love
    xoxoxoxo
    Debbie and Angel Patches

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