I Hate Cancer
We got our update yesterday from the vets. Â I was hoping, praying, wishing……if wishes were dollars I’d have a billion. Â But even money can’t buy a cure and my girl has progressive disease. Â Rather aggressive too. Â Her lung mets grew “significantly” and now they’ve seemed to coalesce into “masses”. Â According to the report. Â I could see it in my vets face as she gently presented options. Â Her delivery was kind. Â The actual written report was not. Â I could barely get out of the office before I lost it. Â And I lost it big. Â In private. Â I think the reason I was so shocked is because my girl feels so good. Â She’s doing so well that one could almost believe there was nothing wrong. Â I should have known better but I will never give up hope. Â Or give up. Â We had a family meeting to decide how to proceed. Â We have oral cyclophosphamide in addition to Palladia. Â We will attempt to give the meds. Â If it happens it happens, if she doesn’t want them, we don’t force them. Â We will continue with the CBD oil, going from one dose to two doses per day. Â We will be adding turmeric to her regimen. Â What we will NOT do is decrease her quality of life or make her go back to the vets. Â It stresses her out. Â She was panting and tired after her visit and I was heart broken. Â It’s about her now. Â Not curing her but keeping her happy and healthy for as long as possible.
I’m allowed to cry all I want without her or her brother knowing. Â But he knows. Â I don’t know if she knows because she is a stoic little dog. Â Affectionate too. Â I will hug and kiss and continue to spoil her and her brother and just let her live a happy life. Â My heart is broken but at least I know what we are up against and I know what needs to be done. Â I had hoped for different information. Â No one wants their dog to die of cancer. Â Well……no one wants their dog to die period. Â But no matter what we do, it’s inevitable. Â We don’t get to choose. Â I hate cancer. Â I have for a long time and now even more. Â I hate not being able to fix this. Â I hate knowing the outcome before it happens. Â I have to keep moving forward and I will. Â But for now…..just right now, I’m going to have myself a pity party and cry, be mad, maybe even try to negotiate a bargain with God. Â Through it all, my girl will be happy, comfy and well fed. Â Her and her brother will be spoiled. Â And I will try to prepare for a life without my girl. Â I have no idea where to even begin. Â I guess this blog post is my first step. Â Thank you for sharing our journey. Â More to come.
xoxo
Debbie and Patches
February 9, 2016 @ 6:32 pm
Debbie my heart hurts for you. You go right ahead and have that one day pity party. You’ve earned it. Heck we’ll all join you in this pity party and cry with you. I know you’ll get back on that horse tomorrow morning and give that beautiful Patches the best ride of her life for all the rest of her today’s. You’ll make each of her today’s be quality and filled with spoiling and as much love as she can handle. Much love to you all.
Linda, Ollie, Riley & Spirit Mighty Max
February 9, 2016 @ 6:51 pm
Thank you Linda. My heart hurts for me too. I don’t usually indulge but I can’t stop myself today. Everyone on this site knows how it feels, they ko they know the drill and we all hate it. No tantrum is going to stop this and it’s just so sad. I feel for my little girl. She had a rough start and all I can think is why her, why can’t she just have it easy….no answers, it just is. But I will say this, having the tripawd community with me every step of the way has been like having arms around me while I go through this journey. All the kind words of understanding, all the prayers, all the positive attitudes despite so many having lost so much…..it gives me comfort and humility. And strength. Strength to smile when I’m hugging her, feeding her, spoiling her and yes, someday, saying goodbye to her. Sometimes adulting is overwhelming and I don’t want to do it. And we all know how that goes. I hope you and your pack are happy, healthy and having a good day. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts,
xoxo
Debbie and Patches
February 9, 2016 @ 10:16 pm
Deb and Patches.
“What we will NOT do is decrease her quality of life or make her go back to the vets. It stresses her out.”
Your love is soooo strong for Patches you will, and always have, do what is in her best interest!
“I have to keep moving forward and I will.”
And the main reason you will be able to move forward (and yeah, even on those well deserved ity party moments) is because NOTHING HAS CHANGED DOR PATCHES!!!! PATCHES FEELS GREAT AND HER QUALITY IS NOT AFFECTED BY THIS STUPID REPORT!!! The bloss of being dog is they live being completely oblivious to “diagnosis”, etc. You are doing an UNBELIEVABLE ob of being Patches! Go in and be oblivious because no one knows…no one knows…what this report means in he World of Patches!!!
As far as “preparing”…don’t waste your energy because you can’t. Besides, that interferes with your rime together NOW! Patches is LIVING..she’s not preparing for her transition. She’ll handle that when she decides she needs ro! And right, that’s not even in her radar screen!
And the spoiling?? OMD! I don’t know how Patches or Rooster could be spoiled anymore, but I’m sure they’ll come up with a way! These dogs have been having their bucket lists filled by you ever since they picked you, but, again, I’m sure they’ll come up with something!
If I may, I’ll share someting I was able to “prepare” for ahead of time. I VOWED that, if possible, I LIVE IN THE MOMENT right up until the time my Happy Hannah transitioned! It only takes a second to cross over. Up j til that point she was by my side and I would NOT waste one single mome t grieving ahead of time! I asked the Vet to “hide” all of her “equpment” and to come jnto the house in a celebratory and happy state. The Vet greeted her joyfully and helped me feed her some M&M’s. I had a dinner plate fixed for her with steak and ice cream and M&Ms and stinky liverwurst AND a spoonful of DEER POOP! She left her earth clothes with the stinkiest breath and messiest slobber you could ever imagine! I know she was greeted with lots of KISSES on her mug by everyone at the Bridge when she arrived!
Keep those pictures coming of our sweet Patches, and Rooster too! We love them both…and we love their humans!!
We understand and we are right by your side ALWAYS!
With love
Sally and Alumni Happy Hannah and Merry Myrtle and Frankie too!
February 10, 2016 @ 3:10 pm
What is it about that deer poop? Rooster loves it too. LOL. That was QUITE a meal 🙂
Once again you make me smile Sally and your words of wisdom definitely help. What also helps is exactly what you said, Patches is business as usual, being so adorable, eating a half a box of Gravy biscuits (Rooster got all the brown ones, she got all the other ones), snarffling on her blanket, cuddling with Liam and I and barking at …….stuff. I cry in private. I cry because I couldn’t stop this awful disease. I cry because I know that I’m not going to have this little girl forever. I cry because I’m afraid she might suffer for one millisecond. I cry for Rooster and my son and me. And I cry for everybody who has ever lost a pet. There just aren’t words for it. But as you know, while she is still here….please, yesterday she ate every meal from my hand, she got a half a box of gravy biscuits (thank God for cannabis oil) and she got tucked in every time she took a nap. If she would let me I’d hold her all day. I told my son yesterday that I know that her dog parents will be waiting for her on the other side and she will be so happy when she sees them and has all her legs and no pain that it might be selfish on my part to want her here so we will only keep her here as long as she wants to be here and is happy. My heart and head are in the right place. But thank goodness for you and everyone else here. The love and support are priceless.
xoxo
Love, Debbie and Patches
February 9, 2016 @ 11:05 pm
Oh Deb! How my heart aches for you as I’m writing this through tears.The scientist in me always has to KNOW what is going on, but sometimes I wonder if its best not to know. Which is probably why I won’t do scans on Nitro. Sally is right, Patches has no idea, only knows her mom loves her to the moon and back. I pray for strength for you to continue living in the now, and not dwell on what is to come.
Paula and Nitro
February 10, 2016 @ 3:14 pm
Thank you thank you thank you! Part of me didn’t want to know…..part of me did. And you know what? nothing changed….except for more hugs, more spoiling and more time spent with her. No more vet visits, more car rides, more time on the bed where she’s not supposed to be 🙂 As long as she is happy and she knows she’s loved I can’t ask for much more. Except a cure for her and every other pet. I appreciate your prayers. I need every one of them. I feel the love and support through your words. Thank you isn’t really enough to convey how I feel but hopefully you get it.
xoxo
Debbie and Patches
February 9, 2016 @ 11:42 pm
Cancer DOES suck. We are going through the same with Gizmo and his osteosarcoma. But as Sally stated, Patches doesn’t care about prognosis or even knows that she’s got cancer. In her mind, it’s all about living in the current moment – loving her mommy, her brother and all the delicious treats her mommy plans on spoiling her with! I will say that ever since my dog’s diagnosis, he’s gotten quite accustomed to all the spoiling and I’ve turned him into a monster. So Patches, you deserve all the spoiling! As I tell my dog, he’s not spoiled…he’s just VERY VERY LOVED! Hugs to you! Let Patches be Patches and enjoy each and every day together! We are all here for you
February 10, 2016 @ 3:17 pm
Thank you Gizmo’s Mommy 🙂 You absolutely get it and it really does help. I guess it goes without saying that I don’t want any of this. I have dug my heels in and I’m still getting pulled forward. But I’m not giving up. I will fight for her every day and make sure her and her brother are happy and loved. I will say it a gazillion times, this situation sucks. and I will say another gazillion times, thank goodness for Tripawds.com and the kindnes sof everyone on here. You guys are getting me through.
xoxo
Debbie and Patches
February 10, 2016 @ 4:57 am
So sorry for the sadness. The love you have for Patches is so evident. I hope you enjoy it all to the fullest until Patches lets you know when it’s time.
February 10, 2016 @ 3:18 pm
Thank you so much. Everyone here has been so kind and it absolutely helps. Through the sadness, there is happiness for Patches and her brother and at the end of the day they are all that matter. And gravy biscuits. they matter. Oh and chicken liver…….:)
Thank you for the love and support.
xoxo
Debbie and Patches
February 13, 2016 @ 7:15 pm
Debbie I am so so sorry. This freekin’ sucks.
I’ve been away and am just now catching up on all the news. My heart aches for you, I know that kind of news is a huge blow. I remember it well.
Yes, have a pitty party, but then remember, she is still feeling great, she is still herself and still wants to live every day to the fullest no matter what. And yes, the outcome is inevitable, with or without cancer. What matters is making the most of the time inbetween. But you know this already, I know you do. Now, time to practice putting those lessons into good use. There will be plenty of time for tears someday.
A good book for you right now:
http://amazon.tripawds.com/2011/02/16/pet-loss-grief-help/
If you want to talk, I’m here. Give that sweetie a big smooch from us. xoxo
February 16, 2016 @ 6:16 pm
Thank you so much for your offer of help and for your kind words and hugs. I let myself have my moments and then I kicked my own behind and got on with the business of living. Yeah, I’m sad, yeah, this sucks and I’m learning how to live when I just can’t fix things. No one will ever say it was easy. But everyone will say it was worth it. And it really is. I will buy stock in tissues though.
As always, you and all the other members lift my spirits. Thank you so much.
xoxo
Debbie and Patches
February 19, 2016 @ 4:08 pm
My heart hurts for you. I just had to say goodbye to my little tripawd. Make the most of your time with your furry love!!! Lots of hugs and cuddles and kisses!
February 19, 2016 @ 5:00 pm
And my heart hurts for you too. I’m so sorry for you. I know it’s awful and all I can do is make the most of the time we have. 6 golden oreos, 7 beggin’ strips and 1/2 pound of low sodium boars head baked ham later……I’d say we’re pretty much living the dream. I love this dog. I will do anything for her. Am I missing anything? Thank you so much for your kind words. I have said a quick prayer for you for healing and for your little love who crossed.
xoxo
Debbie and Patches