F.E.A.R., My Least Favorite “F” Word
Hm…..I’ve read up on the stages of grief.  I think I’ve discovered a new one.  Fear.  If I do it, I go big.  Fear means one of two things to me.  F.alse E.nergies A.ppear R.eal.  OR………. F.*ck E.verything A.nd R.un.  Lately it’s been more of the latter.  As the saying goes, ignorance is bliss.  It truly is.  I’ll admit, I had no idea how much I would love my dogs.  I fell in love so hard and gave them my whole heart, no walls up, nothing held back.  Pure love.  I’ve had pets before but I think dogs are the pets who give you the most back.  Their facial expressions and actions just tell you without a doubt that they love you.  It’s magical.
To say Patches getting cancer was a complete shock is a huge understatement.  I will be honest, the thought of losing her or Rooster never crossed my mind.  Not having them was a distant “thing” that never seemed like it could happen to me.  And it happened big time, it happened and it hit the fan.  I still feel bad that as her protector and safe keeper I couldn’t help her and make her cancer go away.  I tried so hard.  I don’t doubt for one second that we did the right things for Patches.  We did everything right.   But it damn near tore my heart to pieces.  And now I look at Rooster and I’m scared that I will have to do it again.  I’m scared of the day I lose him.  I’m scared I will lose him because his heart is broken and I don’t know how to fix it.  I know that spending energy there is not value added.  But really, is there anything rational about grief and loss?  Maybe even a little post-traumatic stress?  I sit and just feel scared of the day I have to say goodbye to him.  Scared of having to make the same decision at the end for him.  I’m also scared that I will forget the little things about Patches.  I’m scared that I’ll fall in love again and have my heart ripped out again by a little angel in need.  I’m scared I’ll grieve too much.  Or too little.  I’m scared I’ll never forget her face as she quietly and peacefully slipped away.  Hell the night we had to have her put down I was scared of the dark.
I think about the fear of getting another dog and I think that It’s selfish of me to be so self preserving. Â It’s what we do as humans. Â If it hurts……run. Â But I know that I’d rather love and lose than have one little dog, maybe even a tripawd, sitting unloved and unwanted in a shelter somewhere. Â This adulting thing is really not what I thought it would be when I was young and “childing”. Â It sounded so good when I was a kid. Â At least if I ever get another dog I will know what I’m signing up for. Â I’ll know what I may have to do again one day in the name of love. Â I’ll know that they will take a little piece of my heart with them when they go. Â And I’ll pray for strength.
I hope all these fears will subside with time.  I hope I can stop seeing her face in my mind as she was passing.  I hope my Rooster feels better and stops being sad.  I will choose to get better but  choose to do it in the healthiest way possible.  Time and friends are the best medicine.  I hope I don’t wear my friends out.  I hope I can just turn my brain off one day soon and feel better for a day.  I know I will.  I’m strong and I know I can but I will say, my confidence has taken a hit.  I guess this is what the books define as “living and learning”.  I’m a little fearful of what other lessons life has in store for me.
My son told me that he wants to take Rooster to the beach soon. Â He wants to make sure Rooster gets all the items on his bucket list checked off. Â He knew I wanted to take Patches to the beach before she was gone. Â I didn’t get to and I cried about that too. Â My son has done really well with all of this and he’s been a shoulder for me to lean on. Â He’s mature for his age, he listens and hugs me and I thank God for him, my little angel on earth, my heart. Â He said “mom, we can let Rooster romp on the sand and bring a little bit of Patches’ ashes to put on the sand and in the ocean so that we’ll know she got to see the beach too”.
Never ever underestimate a teenage boy.  I have no fears about him at all.  I know he is going to grow into an amazing man and he knows it too.  He’s already living and learning how to help mend a broken heart.
Thank you everyone for your love, help and understanding.
XOXO
Debbie and Angel Patches
April 15, 2016 @ 2:45 pm
oh wow. I think any one of us who has loved and lost a “fur child” knows all too well what you are feeling now. The fears will ease with time and you will remember more and more the good times. Your son sounds awesome! He is so right. Rooster would probably enjoy a day at the beach and Patches will be right there with you when you spread a little bit of her ashes. I know she will. {{hugs}}
Sue and Big Lou
April 15, 2016 @ 3:14 pm
Thank you so much Sue 🙂
I know I’m not alone in how I’m feeling so I trust you when you say my fears will subside. It’s all new for me too which I think is why it’s all been very intense. Not that it’s easier if it’s not new but maybe it’s a little scarier. No matter what it’s certainly not fun. My son has been a huge help and a shining light. We’ve all been leaning on each other and helping each other during weak moments. And when we have a weak moment together we just hug each other and cry. Whatever works.
Thank you for your sweet words. They definitely help.
hugs to you and Big Lou
xoxo
Debbie and Angel Patches
April 15, 2016 @ 3:31 pm
Hey you know that grief alone hurts like crazy and no matter how positive people try and tell you to be nothing takes away the pain ever.
We allow these dogs to take our hearts from day one completely forgetting our hearts will be also broken at some point. No grief is the same as another and it takes so much time out of us.
I can tell you of some Tripawds looking for homes (Tripawd through injury not cancer) but it can only be worth doing when your ready. No one can put a time limit on grief and only you will know when it’s time To open your heart again.
The sad fact is we want our furbabies to live forever but it doesn’t always work that way!
Fear of the Unknown is also terrifying but I can promise u this you are NOT alone we are here to offer a hand on your shoulder, for you to vent, cry and go through all these stages with you xxxxx
April 15, 2016 @ 3:35 pm
Oh and if we look at our furbabies terrified of what the future may hold we are in fact wasting our precious time with them. Your son is taking them steps making memories and living each day as it comes and making the most of it. I am sure Patches would want you to spoil Rooster to and hang out with him xx
April 15, 2016 @ 4:27 pm
Everything you’ve said is so more than right. I try to hide my fear and sadness from Rooster and my son and keep it for myself in private where I won’t scare anyone but myself. I’m learning as I go and your wisdom and the wisdom of the tripawd community is invaluable. Someday I might have another dog and if I do it definitely has to be one with special needs no matter what it is. I’ve decided that they need love the most and that’s what I love doing. But it will be a while for sure. In the meantime……..I will take that hand you offered for my shoulder and continue to follow all of the wisdom and be supported by the love shown here and around me. Thank you so much!
xoxo
Debbie and Angel Patches
April 15, 2016 @ 9:27 pm
Awwww happy to help. Just remember give yourself time and make time for you, don’t feel bad if U cry, or get upset it can hit us when we least expect it
Lots of love
Dawn, Leo and soon to be Brad and Leah
Xoxoxo
Hugs for Rooster to! Xxx
April 15, 2016 @ 10:42 pm
Debbie,
This part of the journey is so hard as anyone (me included) can say when losing our furbaby especially after the journey we have gone on. Cancer and this journey bonds you more than you really expect.
I would say cry when you need to that is what I did. We did special things with Bosch but he was lonely. A couple of months we did get 2 new furbabies to help with the loneliness. Yes, it helped but I still cried and grieved for Sassy.
This is the part that is the hardest because even though we have support it is a journey of grief that we travel alone. No one can tell us how long it will last because it is so individual.
hugs
Michelle & Angel Sassy
April 18, 2016 @ 7:27 pm
You are so right…..we do have to grieve alone. But it does help to know that other people have gone through this same journey and come out on the other side. The support and advice has been really helpful. There are a lot of “firsts” happening right now that make it tough not to think of my girl and be sad but it’s natural and what happens. We have to do what we have to do.
Thank you so much,
xoxo
Debbie and Angel Patches