Eyes Look Forward, Heart Looks Back
Time certainly moves forward and it takes no prisoners. And I don’t mind to be honest. I have a lot that I’m looking forward to. My son finishing up his freshman year of high school. Warmer weather and sunshine. Vacations. Summer fruits. Those are a few. And I am honestly happy and looking forward to all those things. And then sometimes my heart taps my head and says “but don’t you remember, you won’t have your girl for all those things”. Yes. I remember. Daily. Heart and gut wrenchingly. But I know that my girl wants us to be happy and have a good time living. That doesn’t mean I can’t miss her and think about her. Every day. More than once a day. I wouldn’t call it guilt…..well, maybe I would. Guilt that I’m living and not honoring her memory because if I don’t think of her that might mean I’ve forgotten and don’t still love her. You can guess which one is my head talking and which one is my heart. I didn’t expect all these feelings and thoughts and complexities that come with loss. I thought….I’ll miss her every day and then as time goes by it will lessen and I’ll be able to think of her fondly and smile and remember the good things. Well, that’s all well and good for certain things but losing a pet is honestly different to me. I don’t think there will ever come a time that I don’t think of her and ache for her. And maybe that’s ok as long as I remain in the land of the living too. I can have my own private space in my head and my heart that belongs just to her. I still love her so much. She still loves me too. I know she does and I think she’s with me. I don’t know how my son doesn’t think of her more or how her other human never cries. I know there’s nothing wrong with me and there’s nothing wrong with them. But I think there’s something wrong with them anyway. No one has to know. It still sucks. It’s still not fair. Life isn’t fair. Adulting stinks. But life is good too. I have a wonderful son, Rooster, family, sisters, parents, friends, great job, nice place to live, tons of blessings. And I am going to let myself be grateful and enjoy life. But I’m still going to let my heart look back and do whatever it wants. Because while Patches wants me to move forward and be happy I know she doesn’t mind if I want to honor and miss her in my heart when I want and need to.
I still have my sweet and loving Rooster. We hug him more, walk him more, kiss him more…..everything him more. I probably worry more too. It’s all ok. I think it’s called ‘healing’. It hasn’t been two months yet. Sometimes it feels like 2 years and sometimes it feels like 2 days. But time marches on and my eyes are looking forward to good times but my heart looks back too.
xoxo
Debbie and Angel Patches
May 20, 2016 @ 4:42 am
There was something that Alison wrote on her blog about Shelby. I hope I remember it correctly.
” To be able to start to grieve a little less doesn’t mean you love less, it makes.more room.for love.” I’ll add that it also.makes room.for the happier memories.
I want ro come.back.and write more later. I just wanted to.make.sure I shared that thought with you before I fogot it!
And btw, yoh made me chuckle with….”there’s something wrong with them anayway”! Our secret.
Lots of love
May 20, 2016 @ 6:56 pm
Thank you Sally. My heart needed to hear that. It’s more complex than I anticipated and all the input absolutely helps. And btw I made myself chuckle 🙂 I’ll only tell my tripawd friends my deepest darkest secrets. They’ve got my 1000% trust.
xoxo
Debbie and Angel Patches
May 21, 2016 @ 3:07 pm
This is a beautiful post. You have a way of describing things that resonate with me (and I am sure so many of us) so much..Here is my theory – I think the magnitude of Grief is a direct reflection of the soul bond we have with our loved one. When we feel it severed by death it hurts like hell. And it takes time to heal. But I definitely think that healing from that pain and the Love we have for them are separate, just like Alison said… To grieve less does not mean to love less… I think, more than anything, your sweet Patches would want you to heal and to love again… BUT – it is still such an up-and-down path… And even when we heal, there is still a scar…
Many, many hugs to you and Rooster,
Anna
June 2, 2016 @ 6:50 pm
I completely agree Anna. Thank you for being so supportive and sweet. You and everyone here know this journey well. And it is indeed hell. But I’m healing and I’ll accept the scar as a badge of courage that I loved my girl and gave her the best I could for as long as I could. The scar will be the memory, my way of always honoring her for what she gave to me.
I hope you have a great day.
xoxo
Debbie
May 24, 2016 @ 8:01 pm
I love the way you describe the battles in your head and heart over coping with the grief of losing Patches. I recall those feelings so well. What finally helped me was realizing that Jerry didn’t want me to miss out on life because he moved on. That would be doing his life on earth a big disservice. The best way to honor a loved one is to enjoy life the way they would want us to. So I did, and I do. And you’ll get there too. Patches taught you well. {{{hugs}}}}
June 2, 2016 @ 6:48 pm
thank you Rene for the wise words and for being supportive. I’m doing my best and taking every day as it comes. I’ll get there.
xoxo
Debbie