Patches Journey

Time certainly moves forward and it takes no prisoners.  And I don’t mind to be honest.  I have a lot that I’m looking forward to.  My son finishing up his freshman year of high school.  Warmer weather and sunshine.  Vacations.  Summer fruits.  Those are a few.  And I am honestly happy and looking forward to all those things.  And then sometimes my heart taps my head and says “but don’t you remember, you won’t have your girl for all those things”.  Yes.  I remember.  Daily.  Heart and gut wrenchingly.  But I know that my girl wants us to be happy and have a good time living.  That doesn’t mean I can’t miss her and think about her.  Every day.  More than once a day.  I wouldn’t call it guilt…..well, maybe I would.  Guilt that I’m living and not honoring her memory because if I don’t think of her that might mean I’ve forgotten and don’t still love her.  You can guess which one is my head talking and which one is my heart.  I didn’t expect all these feelings and thoughts and complexities that come with loss.  I thought….I’ll miss her every day and then as time goes by it will lessen and I’ll be able to think of her fondly and smile and remember the good things.  Well, that’s all well and good for certain things but losing a pet is honestly different to me.  I don’t think there will ever come a time that I don’t think of her and ache for her.  And maybe that’s ok as long as I remain in the land of the living too.  I can have my own private space in my head and my heart that belongs just to her.  I still love her so much.  She still loves me too.  I know she does and I think she’s with me.  I don’t know how my son doesn’t think of her more or how her other human never cries.  I know there’s nothing wrong with me and there’s nothing wrong with them. But I think there’s something wrong with them anyway.  No one has to know.  It still sucks.  It’s still not fair.  Life isn’t fair.  Adulting stinks.  But life is good too.  I have a wonderful son, Rooster, family, sisters, parents, friends, great job, nice place to live, tons of blessings.  And I am going to let myself be grateful and enjoy life.  But I’m still going to let my heart look back and do whatever it wants.  Because while Patches wants me to move forward and be happy I know she doesn’t mind if I want to honor and miss her in my heart when I want and need to.

I still have my sweet and loving Rooster.  We hug him more, walk him more, kiss him more…..everything him more.  I probably worry more too.  It’s all ok.  I think it’s called ‘healing’.  It hasn’t been two months yet.  Sometimes it feels like 2 years and sometimes it feels like 2 days.  But time marches on and my eyes are looking forward to good times but my heart looks back too.

xoxo

Debbie and Angel Patches