Patches Journey

Three months can be the length of a summer vacation.  My son just started his and he is ecstatic.  It can be the end of a first trimester, when you’re past the “trouble zone”.  It can be your 90 day probation at a new job.  All exciting stuff.  It can also mean my girl is gone three months exactly today.  I knew it in the back of my mind.  I was trying to ignore it and not think about it.  I’ve been doing that a lot lately.  It’s become a sort of coping mechanism.  I started doing that because not too many people care to listen to you talk about something that happened “three months ago”.  They get “the look” that says “again?  When are you going to be over it?”.  I know they don’t understand.  They can’t.  I’m surprised more people can’t really empathize that well.  I’m surprised at a lot of things.  Surprised that people would think that I could get over losing the girl I had in my arms for 9 years who I will love and miss forever.  I’m not bitter or mad.  I just think I gave people more credit than I should have.  And maybe I’ve been that person in the past and this is my lesson in understanding.  Trust me.  I understand now.

It’s been three months of learning, longing, laughing, crying, aching, reminiscing, guilting…..everyone here knows it.  I really am better in that I don’t think about it all day every day and cry in front of people.  But the tears are right behind my eyes ready to come out at the mere thought of my girl.  I’ve been suffering from a lot of guilt about things I would tell another person not to be guilty about.  I’m coming up on some really hard “firsts”.  First summer without my summer baby.  Last year around this time we noticed Patches tripping a little.  We thought it was her eyesight and put on more lights for her and cleared paths better.  Looking back I feel so stupid.  Then she began limping and we thought that, like her brother, she might have pulled a ligament.  He healed on his own.  We thought she would too.  She got progressively worse as the summer went on.  I am trying hard not to think about it and it’s taking energy to NOT think about it while I’m still actually thinking about it anyway.

I don’t think I’m at a plateau.  I think sometimes are better than others.  Some days we see progress.  Sometimes we run back.  I’ve admitted that I don’t think there will EVER be a time that I talk about or think about my girl when I don’t cry.  I don’t think I’ll ever get over the trauma, the experience, the loss.  And I am perfectly ok with that.  I haven’t retreated from life.  I work, I exercise, I eat healthy, I parent, I love on Rooster, I see friends, go out with family.  I have lost 17 of the 20 pounds I put on when I was depressed and couldn’t leave my girls side all winter.  I care about my health again.   I can do all of that and still know that I’ll never get over missing my girl.  Never get over losing her, how we lost her, how she was sick, all the bad stuff.  I remember the good stuff too.  I can look at pictures.  I can’t watch videos.  I still kiss her picture.  I have her fur in my locket.  It’s been a long, hard, productive and educational three months.  Early on I thought I’d be further along than I am now.  At this point I don’t really care where I land.  Three months, three years, three decades…..if I am where I am now I’m still ok with it.  To me three months means a quarter of a year in the rest of my life has passed without my girl.  And there are more to come.

Nothing changes the hard cold facts.  I wonder if I’ll feel different in three months.  More time is definitely required.  But I’m still going, thinking, praying and thanking God for good friends who DO understand and listen, for my Rooster and my son and for the Tripawds community.  It’s all I can do for now.  And that’s ok.

xoxo

Debbie and Angel Patches