Patches Journey

Wow.  It’s been a while since I’ve been here.  It’s not for a lack of loving my tripawd community but still, my knee jerk reaction is to feel guilty.  But then I stopped to ask myself why it’s been so long.  I’m HEALING.  I didn’t think I ever would.  I wasn’t ever sure I wanted to.

So what’s been going on?  Well, I’ve had stretches of time where I don’t cry every day.  I can tell funny stories about my girl and can smile and talk about her.  I’ve even watched some of her videos.  A good friend and I were talking recently and we decided that even though the sadness will never go completely away but it won’t be as intense or as often.  You bet your tripawd I still miss my girl and especially now that the holidays are upon us.  We are all talking about what we’re thankful for.  I’m thankful for a lot but I’m sad about a few things too.  Halloween was tough.  We usually took the dogs trick or treating and they loved being out with the kids with their little glow sticks around their paws.  Patches loved kids.  Thanksgiving was tough.  There was one little care package for Rooster (okay a big one) but not one for her.  Christmas will be tough…….little girl’s stocking will be on the mantle with treats for Rooster in her honor.  I don’t know if he will eat them.  The firsts are still hard.  But that hole in my heart is healing.  It won’t go away but the jagged edges are smoothing over and it’s no longer a code blue.  I have my moments where all of what I wrote just now goes out the door and it’s like it happened yesterday.  But then happen less frequently and I have moments of sincere happiness again.

I’m sort of happy to be healing and maybe a little sad at the same time.  Part of me thinks I’m forgetting about her.  The other part of me says “as if”.  As if I could ever forget my little angel and her antics.  Her big, beseeching eyes.  Her doggy sneezes in my face.  As if I wouldn’t ever want her back.  Oh the things I would give up to have her back.  But the finality and acceptance is setting in and if I’m not relieved at least some of the people around me are.  It was hard on my son to see my cry all the time.  When I cry he cries.  And I’m not the only one who was grieving.  He told me his dad was on Canaan rescue sites looking for Canaan’s in need of adoption.  He showed me a picture of a white girl named Phoebe.  She could have been Patches.  My ex-husband is looking for another dog just like Patches.  And I thought he didn’t care.  How wrong I was.  We all show our hands in different ways.  I just don’t have poker face at all.

I’ve learned SO much from our experience with canine cancer, about myself, my heart, my dogs and my life.  I know that someday when the time is right I will adopt another tripawd.  I have too much love in my heart not to have another dog or cat (or bunny or parrot or gerbil or turtle……) in need.  Only this time I’m prepared.  I know what could happen; I know what I’m signing up for.  The first time for everything is difficult…….my first experience with a sick pet brought me to my knees and just about broke me.  But I go forward, my heart waiting to see her again so it can be whole once more.  I gave her a piece of it to take with her.  I wait to get through the first holiday season without my girl.  I have focused on getting my health and head back in order.  I am fit and 25 pounds lighter physically.  Spiritually I still have some more weight to lose but I’m healing and that’s what counts.  Overall I would say that I’m healing and feeling like myself again and being there for my son more and even myself and loved ones.  I’m proof that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel that isn’t a truck or a train.  It might actually be a gift, this healing thing.  Tis the season afterall.

With love and light to share with all of my cherished tripawd family……….. I thank you for reading.

With Love

Debbie and Angel Patches