Patches Journey

So.  My girl has been gone for 367 days.  And I’ve missed her for 367 days.  And tomorrow will be 368.  A year flew by and I know I thought about and missed her in some capacity every single day.  I didn’t post on the one year anniversary.  The last time I posted I cried for two days after.  I didn’t have the heart for it at that time.  I sat and pondered the year past while I was out on my front lawn with Rooster working on Monday the 27^th.  It was a rainy Monday, the same Monday a year ago when we had Patches put to sleep.  The date had changed but not the memory or the day.  As I sat there examining the complexity of the year I saw three cardinals land on our huge elm at the end of the driveway.  I hardly ever see cardinals and I believe they are a sign from a loved one on the other side to say hello and to let us know they’re doing well.  They were chirping and flitting about.  And then they all looked straight at me.  I couldn’t figure out the significance of three at first.  I looked at Rooster and he stared back with a somber look.  He knew what day it was.  I don’t know how he knew but he did despite my efforts to remain positive and in the moment with him.  And as I stared into his pretty brown eyes the significance dawned on me.  Three birds………three legs.  I actually smiled.

Yesterday my boyfriend told me his husky, my beloved Thunder (aka pretty boy, blue eyes, Thor God of, lovey) died last weekend.  I was traveling when he died.  I never got to say goodbye.  His family is heartbroken as am I but I was able to console them with my knowledge of what is, what was and what is to come.  As the tripawd community did for me as I endured my heartbreak.  Thunder didn’t have cancer, he was diabetic.  It doesn’t matter.  I still think it’s unfair that dogs get sick like people.  They don’t deserve it.  He was only 7 years old.  My heart break is different this time.  I finally understand what I didn’t understand when Patches died.  Dogs get sick, fair or not.  They die, sometimes before their time, sometimes at an incredibly old age.  It’s heartbreaking.  There’s nothing you can do.  Grief is personal.  Some people cry, some people don’t. Some people need to talk about it, some don’t.  Some people are strong, some are not.  I cried when I needed to, which was often.  I learned who I could lean on for support and who I could not.   I also learned that life goes on whether you want it to or not and that it’s better to have something to live for after they are gone.  That may not always be possible but I do think it helped me focus on where I was going instead of where I’d just come from.  I’ll always be sad.  I’ll always miss her and love her and remember what she and I endured as a team that I hope to never have to go through again. I hope NO one does but we know how that goes.  I’m better for having had my girl.  I’m different from having lost her.  I won’t be the same and I’m not going to place judgement on myself for that.  I have a support system and I always will.  I will always be a part of the tripawd community and be a strength for someone in need.  I will go on living…..one step at a time.  In time I hope to be softer and not as raw but today is not that time and tomorrow might not be either.  I still have another dog, my boyfriend has another dog.  I love them both and I know I will lose them.  But it will always be different now that I know what I know.  And for that small knowledge, I am grateful.  And with the love for them eternally in my heart and mind, I will always be on the lookout for dandelion sylphs and three little birds.

Xoxo

Debbie and Angel Patches