Patches Journey

This last round of chemo (#3) really seemed to take a toll on my girl.  She seems more tired than before, needs to be coaxed to begin eating (though once she gets going stand back) and has had a little diarrhea.  She’s just kind of blah.  And I’m just kind of……….I don’t know what.  I feel like I’m always watching, waiting, looking…….any sign that she’s not feeling well makes me very nervous.  Maybe I’m hovering a little if you will.  It’s almost as though I’ve let how she feels dictate my outlook.  If she’s doing great, I’m doing great.  If she’s not feeling that good I’m in a panic.  Ok maybe more like a tizzy but it’s just not that pretty.  We’re kind of at that halfway mark.  They are going to evaluate her at her next appointment.  Depending on how she does I may delay her a little.  I want her to bounce back and recover before we knock her down again.  I am trying to maintain her weight, so is she.  The days just go on and on with no end in sight.

It’s almost like we’re in the middle of it all and it seems like it’s been so much and there’s so much ahead of us.  I lay on the floor with her a lot and just pet and hug her.  I gave her filet mignon to help prevent anemia.  She didn’t mind. I listen for her little “click click thump” walk on the hard wood floor in my sleep and when I hear it I’m up checking on her.  It’s like being in school and half the year is over and you’ve tried your best and you’ve been “on” all the time and suddenly you just need a vacation.  We need a break and it’s not coming.  There is underlying worry.  I can’t lie.  Always the doubt, should we be doing this.  I know my girl loves life but to see her not feel well has me feeling bad for her.  I think I can’t see the forest through the trees.  I don’t know what I expected.  I know I didn’t expect the third chemo to hit her hard.  I thought it was smooth sailing.  I think it reminds me that my dog is sick.  Aside from her missing leg.  Sometimes I’m sick to my stomach because I can’t get away from it, the underlying worry and sadness and anger and inability to cure her and make her feel better.  No relief in site.  I’m trying so hard to stay positive and strong, especially for her.  And I stretch the minutes out.  I hug her and inhale the smell of her fur to make sure I imprint it.  I give her massages, rub her little feet, kiss her little face.  This is hard.  It’s easy to make the decisions and say “ok, surgery, then chemo then no more sick dog”.  You forget about all the in-betweens.  The blood work, the vet visits, making sure each meal is a good one.  Maybe it’s caregiver fatigue.  I don’t get much help with the appointments.  No one else coaxes her to eat. I’m trying to give her brother more attention since she’s getting more and it’s exhausting.   Maybe I’m the only one on constant high alert.  I don’t know any other way.  And yet, as much as I may have caregiver fatigue my poor little girl has treatment fatigue.  She has it worse than me and I don’t want to complain.

I know we’re mired in the details right now.  I look forward to the day when chemo is over and we just have our little girl at home and stop poking and prodding her.  Maybe there’s a piece of me that thinks when it’s over she’ll be all better and we won’t have to face this reality anymore.  My thoughts are all over the place and I just have volumes to write (but I won’t).  Bottom line……this shit’s real and it’s tough and it’s scary.  But we keep climbing toward the top of Mount Unknown.

Sorry for such a long post.  I just hope I didn’t lose you at “hello”.  If nothing else it’s a glimpse of what you go through during treatment and maybe it will help you better prepare and understand the feelings you might have while you cope.  At the end of the day, I just love my dogs and say “left, right, breathe…..”.  Keep moving forward.

Until next time,

xoxo

Debbie and Patches