Thawing out…..
Or melting down. Â However you want to put it but that’s what happened yesterday.
I ended up having a total meltdown. I think it might have been a combination of mother’s day, delayed reaction and the beautiful weather we had on mother’s day and yesterday. I  felt bad that it was warm and Patches wasn’t here to enjoy it. I feel like it’s not fair. And I also realize suddenly………she’s not here. A season has come and gone, we are headed into summer and ………she’s really gone. For some reason gloomy winter was easier to accept. Now it’s like wow, life really IS moving on and I still don’t have her. The finality is hitting me hard. And of course I was down one baby for mother’s day.  And I always remember that Patches was a mama too and she didn’t get to keep her puppies.  That’s why we called her mama girl.  I spent almost nine years loving away her pain, making her happy, making her smile and love life again.  Rooster too.  I guess I never realized that I didn’t just lose her, I lost a way of life, someone to share my love with.  I still have Rooster and I’m double loving on him.  He still misses her too.  It’s so obvious.  Some days are good and hours can go by that I don’t think about her and about what happened.  And then days like yesterday happen.  I didn’t expect it.  I felt like she had just passed again.  I cried that I couldn’t save her or make her cancer go away.  Sometimes it’s a total roller coaster.  And no one will let me off.
I think there will be good times and rough times.  I hate the rough times but I have to deal with them, learn to cope and keep engaging in life because she would want me to and there are still other people and fur babies to love.  My sister gave me the sweetest present on mother’s day (pictured) and I realize that other people loved my girl too and they are sad and thinking of me.  This must be what it’s like to grow up.  It sucks.  I know time and distance will help.  There is a very wonderful person I met and talk to thanks to the tripawds site who has been a huge help.  It takes a village.  The Tripawd village.  I pour my heart out here and it really does help.  I don’t know of any better way to get through it other than to talk to people who understand.  People who have been there and can reassure me that I can do this.  Even if I don’t want to.  Sometimes we don’t get a choice.  It feels childish to rant but it’s what I need to do right now.  Hopefully as the cold and gloomy weather disappears so will the meltdowns.  I will take it one ice cube at a time.
Thanks for reading and always being my supportive village.
xoxo
Debbie, Rooster (see his antics in the videos below) and Angel Patches
My sister’s sweet and thoughtful gift (above)
May 10, 2016 @ 6:28 pm
Awww, sweet Rooster! May you help each other through this most difficult journey; our thoughts and prayers are with you.
Paula and Nitro
May 10, 2016 @ 6:46 pm
Thank you Paula. We are doing our best. Some days are better than others. I hope you and Nitro are enjoying being together and exploring the world around you. I know you understand. Thanks for your support and comfort.
Debbie
May 11, 2016 @ 12:51 am
Awww…. I just LOVE the videos of Rooster, what a gentle soul he is!!! I adore his “talking” to you… Sweet, lovely boy… And the locket is really awesome! One of the most thoughtful gifts I have heard of..I am so glad you continue to share. It is so important for all of us – to be able to talk to hide who understand! I do not think someone who has not been through this journey could fully grasp what it is like. The thing that I find so hard is: how can life just go on, how can people laugh, how can seasons change when our beloved companion is not with us? Feels like things should just come to a halt. Yet they do not. We go on, learn to get through the pain, and the tears, and the unfairness of it all… And our close ones (family, friends, our sweet pets) just surprise us with a gentle touch, a thoughtful gift, and somehow, life is livable again, at least for the moment. Good days and bad days… Patches is always connected to you through the bond of pure love. Nothing will ever change that. Sending you many, many hugs, and thanking you for the smiles form the sweetest videos of your boy!!! Love, Anna and Angel Mani:)
May 12, 2016 @ 5:16 pm
Anna, you are so sweet and so right, everything you said. Especially when you said that our close ones sometimes just surprise us with a gentle touch or a thoughtful gift. I’ll admit, I was so wrapped up in myself that I forgot that my younger sister really loved Patches too. She and my sister kind of bonded and my sister would always talk to her and pet her and call her my little rags to riches baby. Thanks to you, the Tripawds village and the kindness of strangers and family alike, I know I’m loved.
xoxoxo
Debbie
May 11, 2016 @ 1:05 am
I feel exactly the same way. I just lost my Buddy a week ago. I have my breakdown every single day. Life is so different and lonely without him. I’m getting small signs from my spirit boy that he’s out there but I’d rather have him here with me. It’s so sucks. I don’t have any words to help except that I agree, that time will help scar the wounds. Time doesn’t heal everything, you just learn to live differently
On this shitty journey with you!
Love
Julie and spirit Buddy
May 11, 2016 @ 5:13 pm
Oh my God I’m so sorry. Life IS lonely without them. And I think the first year is maybe one of the toughest. I think about my girl every day, cry, be pissed, get annoyed that other people are breathing around me……you get it all. Thank you for taking the time to write. I’m telling you, having people who are supportive, who get it, who are going through it, have gone through it…..it is a HUGE support. It’s such a help. This site has been a lifeline. If you need to talk I’m here. Hugs to you and remember, you can lean on us, we’re all here to help.
xoxo
Debbie and Angel Patches
May 11, 2016 @ 5:30 pm
Childish? No way, not one bit. You have every right to feel the way you do and every right to express it however you need to. The important thing is to let it out so your heart can heal. It’s doing that, but it just sucks when you’re on the mend. I get it.
I’m so sorry. I know the changes of seasons can do that, it hurts to see the world keep turning. It does. And we heal. In time. You’ll get there. Keep on writing, it’s a great way to let it happen.
May 12, 2016 @ 5:19 pm
Thank you Rene, thank you so much for getting it and for knowing just the right thing to say, like you always do. Mother’s day, the change of season, life…sometimes it just takes my breath away how much I miss her and miss loving her little face. Thank goodness I have my Rooster and he and I talk all the time and we are healing together. He can’t talk with words but his eyes tell me everything. I know we can do it. And I’ll keep writing. It seems to soothe my soul to find out what’s really bothering me. I don’t usually know until after I write and read it. I’ll say it again, thank goodness for this site and the amazing and brave people here. Even in their own sadness, they reach out to put a hand on your shoulder and offer comfort.
Have a wonderful day.
xoxo
Debbie