Patches Journey

It seems like it was only yesterday that I lost my baby.  I was doing good for a while.  At least I thought I was.  What I was good at was distracting myself and just going on, sometimes just going through the motions and sometimes being happy.  But this month is already hard.  I can’t sit outside and work without seeing an image of my girl lounging on the lawn with a smile on her face, a sunbeam warming her little tush.  There are permanent lines in my face from tears I think.  Last year at this time her limp was getting progressively worse.  I’m reliving my guilt at not having been smarter and taking her to the vets sooner.  I am guilty about so many things and there’s no escaping myself.  The distractions aren’t as good as they used to be and I feel like I’m sliding backwards.  Grief and loss are not for the faint of heart.  Sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself.  I’m driving with tears running down my face, hiding in bedrooms and bathrooms so others won’t see my crying my eyes out.  I had another moment of panic.  I have a locket with my girls name on it.  I wanted to find another of her hairs to put in so I’d have more of her with me.  I panicked when I went through the house and couldn’t find even one hair.  I broke down.  She’s gone, really and truly gone, did she ever exist?  And when I broke down I sat down on the stairs.  And there in the very crook of the carpet on the stairs I saw a bunch of her hair.  I grabbed a stash and I’m hoarding it.  I miss her, achingly so.  The memories of last year are creeping in and I’m getting scared again.  Of what?  I really don’t know and I’m having a hard time getting out of my own head.  And when I get like this I come to my tripawd community.  Somehow………..and I can’t figure out why and it’s not important but somehow knowing other people know this pain, have lived or are living this pain and giving me words of encouragement…….somehow it helps.  You don’t think I’m crazy.  You don’t think I’m dwelling or hanging on or “stuck”.  I’ve told people I’ll never get over this, never be the same.  The only people who understand are people who have been there, done that, know it and don’t judge it.  The pain is acute again.  I feel like I’m running away from it but it’s “dogging” me.  I know it’s going to be a long trial here from the anniversary of her diagnosis to the anniversary of her passing.  I thought last year was hard but at least she was still here.  This year …….it’s already brought me to my knees like a blow to the stomach.  I gained 20 pounds last year from the stress of worry, work travel moving and life.  I’ve lost that twenty plus a couple for good measure.  This year is different.  I’m no longer eating to fight the sadness that was eating at me.  I’m tending to not want to eat because I feel empty and I can’t handle food…….I’m tending to want to sit and give up a little.  I feel like I’m still in shock and thank goodness I have my son and Rooster and my friends.  Very un-me.  I’m going with it.  What else can you do?   I just need to do enough to get by for now.  I can put on a good face and fool the world but I can’t fool me.  Me and Rooster, we sit and we hug.  I cry, he licks away the tears and he knows why I’m crying.  I know there aren’t any answers.  I guess I am going to just hunker down in the trenches and wait for brighter days.  Hard times my friends, hard times.

Xoxoxo

Debbie and Angel Patches