Patches Journey

Just when I get myself in a lather Patches gets down to the business of being Patches.  What did that include this weekend now that she’s got her sass back?  Ok, lets see, four little filet mignons (not all at once), running into the neighbors yard to visit Roxie (element of surprise always works for her), going down three steps to get to the back yard and getting up them faster than I can, barking at deer at 2am when she pretended she had to pee and a midnight snack consisting of a good portion of the just bought “save for sandwiches” deli turkey that I’m not supposed to give her.  I’m thinking she can read and after she read my last post she probably wanted to show me that I had my head up my…….pant leg.

Took her a little longer to bounce back but she’s back.  I learned something this weekend.  You can have your dark moments, moments when you don’t know how you can do it another day and then you get your sass back and the world is right again.  I’ve learned to expect the unexpected.  To just embrace the great days and on the not so great days……..we snuggle.  And it’s such a cute snuggle.  Even when she’s not feeling great, she sees us and her tail wags.  She still barks at her frenemy.  I bark at mine.  We have girl time.

I guess I was scared.  My inner warrior must have been on vacation.  I can’t forget that my dog is a Canaan and darn proud of it.  This breed survived over a hundred years in the desert with no human intervention.  In reality, she’s probably taking care of ME.  Canaan’s are usually pretty stoic but she has been doing something really cute.  When we get on the floor with her to snuggle she hits us with her paw, rubs her nose on us and her blanket, sneezes (snots actually) in our faces and lets us spoon her.  And she literally smiles.  The corners or her little mouth go up and she bats her little lashes.  She has me around her little pinky.  She just continues to grow and be happy.   Now it’s my turn.

This is not a job for sissies.  I guess I needed to get my big girl panties out of the dryer and put them on.  They are ON and I put on duct tape for good measure so I don’t lose them again.  As always, my tripawd community got me through a rough patch.  Thank you.  Here’s to the next good patch, a happy Patches and a smarter mommy.  🙂  More pictures and videos to come SOON.

xoxo

Debbie And Patches

This last round of chemo (#3) really seemed to take a toll on my girl.  She seems more tired than before, needs to be coaxed to begin eating (though once she gets going stand back) and has had a little diarrhea.  She’s just kind of blah.  And I’m just kind of……….I don’t know what.  I feel like I’m always watching, waiting, looking…….any sign that she’s not feeling well makes me very nervous.  Maybe I’m hovering a little if you will.  It’s almost as though I’ve let how she feels dictate my outlook.  If she’s doing great, I’m doing great.  If she’s not feeling that good I’m in a panic.  Ok maybe more like a tizzy but it’s just not that pretty.  We’re kind of at that halfway mark.  They are going to evaluate her at her next appointment.  Depending on how she does I may delay her a little.  I want her to bounce back and recover before we knock her down again.  I am trying to maintain her weight, so is she.  The days just go on and on with no end in sight.

It’s almost like we’re in the middle of it all and it seems like it’s been so much and there’s so much ahead of us.  I lay on the floor with her a lot and just pet and hug her.  I gave her filet mignon to help prevent anemia.  She didn’t mind. I listen for her little “click click thump” walk on the hard wood floor in my sleep and when I hear it I’m up checking on her.  It’s like being in school and half the year is over and you’ve tried your best and you’ve been “on” all the time and suddenly you just need a vacation.  We need a break and it’s not coming.  There is underlying worry.  I can’t lie.  Always the doubt, should we be doing this.  I know my girl loves life but to see her not feel well has me feeling bad for her.  I think I can’t see the forest through the trees.  I don’t know what I expected.  I know I didn’t expect the third chemo to hit her hard.  I thought it was smooth sailing.  I think it reminds me that my dog is sick.  Aside from her missing leg.  Sometimes I’m sick to my stomach because I can’t get away from it, the underlying worry and sadness and anger and inability to cure her and make her feel better.  No relief in site.  I’m trying so hard to stay positive and strong, especially for her.  And I stretch the minutes out.  I hug her and inhale the smell of her fur to make sure I imprint it.  I give her massages, rub her little feet, kiss her little face.  This is hard.  It’s easy to make the decisions and say “ok, surgery, then chemo then no more sick dog”.  You forget about all the in-betweens.  The blood work, the vet visits, making sure each meal is a good one.  Maybe it’s caregiver fatigue.  I don’t get much help with the appointments.  No one else coaxes her to eat. I’m trying to give her brother more attention since she’s getting more and it’s exhausting.   Maybe I’m the only one on constant high alert.  I don’t know any other way.  And yet, as much as I may have caregiver fatigue my poor little girl has treatment fatigue.  She has it worse than me and I don’t want to complain.

I know we’re mired in the details right now.  I look forward to the day when chemo is over and we just have our little girl at home and stop poking and prodding her.  Maybe there’s a piece of me that thinks when it’s over she’ll be all better and we won’t have to face this reality anymore.  My thoughts are all over the place and I just have volumes to write (but I won’t).  Bottom line……this shit’s real and it’s tough and it’s scary.  But we keep climbing toward the top of Mount Unknown.

Sorry for such a long post.  I just hope I didn’t lose you at “hello”.  If nothing else it’s a glimpse of what you go through during treatment and maybe it will help you better prepare and understand the feelings you might have while you cope.  At the end of the day, I just love my dogs and say “left, right, breathe…..”.  Keep moving forward.

Until next time,

xoxo

Debbie and Patches

Wow…….I’m always humbled by the kindness of everyone who is on this site.  You’re all so sweet and always make me feel cared for.   Being understood is way more important than I ever thought.  It’s uplifting actually.  And I usually reply to each comment individually but everyone was so kind that I wanted to group thank lol.  Sally, Paula, Linda, Erika and the lovely Bull Mastiff Mom……all of you who commented, everyone who read and thought of us, I feel like when I have a bad day and vent you all send me hugs.  At least I know that Patches, I, her brother……..we are not on this journey alone.  We are so lucky to have the love we have here and outside of here.  It’s a shitty journey, we all know it.  I guess the lesson is to think about each step you take to get there and not about the destination.  You can deal with the destination when you get there and then begin the next journey.

Today my girl feels better.  She’s tired but happy.  She’s eating with her customary gusto again.  Her eyes are bright, she’s snuggly and huggy and kissy and I’m absorbing every second and stretching it into two.  I guess we are supposed to learn some lessons from these experiences while we are here.  The hard lessons are usually the good ones.  They build character.  My theory is that we are born a rough gem and when we die we are beautifully polished stones.  I am getting more facets right now.  My son’s theory is that good judgement comes from experience.  Experience comes from bad judgement lol.  For whatever it’s worth………..I’m just going to hug my son and my dogs and just for this moment, Smile.

love and xoxo

Debbie and Patches

PS……Sally……here is a video plus two back orders 🙂 xoxo

And yesterday was one of those days.  For me.  Let me say, my dog is a trooper.  That little girl never complains or protests.

Tuesday was chemo treatment number three.  We were off to a good start as we left the house.  Patches was excited for the car ride.  We get to the animal hospital and she jumps out of the car all happy.  And we get to the door……..and she sits down and decides she’s not going in there.  yeah, my feeling too girlfriend.  So we coaxed her in and she sees her nurse that always sits with her and she ran up to her to greet her and get some pats on the head.  I’m glad she likes the people at least.  Because we were there for TWO hours.  God.  and I tried to hide the fact that I was crying.  For TWO hours.

Her blood work was fine and she maintained her weight.  When she finally came out from treatment her number one agenda……get the hell out of there.  I talked to the vet, everything went well blah blah blah she may have a UTI all fine and good and then she said “she gets a little stressed during treatment”.  Yeah lady, me too.  I could see in my girls eyes she was tired.  I am tired too.  Tired of my poor gentle loving dog having to be sick.  Tired of having to watch her get chemo.  Tired of wishing she didn’t have to be sick.  I have asked God a few times…….why do animals have to get sick like humans?  Don’t they suffer enough?  We got home and Patches did manage to eat a plate of pork chops.  And a bowl of chicken and rice.  Then she laid down to rest.  I felt somewhat better.  Until 5:45 when the most effective alarm in the world went off…..the sound of a dog getting ready to throw up.  She didn’t throw up a lot but she looked like she thought she did something bad.  God.  I just hugged her and held her.

She is doing better today.  Was better yesterday.  However, yesterday I was PISSED.  That’s not me.  If you know me you would know I’m a bubble head.  Stupid happy if you will.  This has tested my patience and strength.  I get angry.  And I have no one to be angry with.  I get frustrated.  All of the above.  I cry and I read about others here whose babies have lost this battle.  The road to acceptance is paved with broken glass.

It’s ok if I never accept it or get over it.  I can’t let it affect everything I do.  I can only work on this day by day and have Patches show me the way.  Hopefully I’ll feel better tomorrow.  Hopefully I’ll feel better in an hour.  But for now I’m just going to cry and be pissed when I’m alone.  I think that’s ok though.

I wish this wasn’t a downer but it’s honest.  Here’s to better days.

xoxo

Debbie and Patches

Yesterday was such a joy for us……Patches was PLAYING in the yard.  My son and I returned home from the dentist and she was out in the yard.  She saw us, came running over and assumed the “stance”.  I think you all know what the stance is….butt in the air, tail wagging, front end down and ready for playing.  She romped around for five minutes with me and her brother.  She was so happy and then she ran up three steps to get to the kitchen (meat) and pushed my son out of the way.

And I started to cry.  I’m not sure why.  I think partly it was seeing her with so much joy and not even letting being a paw down stop her.  Partly because I still feel bad that she had to have a paw taken.  Partly because I feel I should have caught it sooner.  Partly because I wished it never happened……..just so many emotions I didn’t know I still had.  I’m learning that while she is doing great……maybe I still need to work on me.  It’s human nature to look at the big picture.  It’s canine nature to live in the now.  I still have a lot of emotions to sort out.  Sometimes I find myself hugging her and crying my eyes out.  It’s a lengthy journey to acceptance, making peace with the reality.  I hope she has a loooooooong time ahead of her to be joyous.  The important things are that she IS joyous, I have time with her that I didn’t think I had and I’m making the most of every minute I still have her.  Bottom line……Patches is fine.  Mommy is getting there.  With her help and the help of her lovable brother.

What helps the most is this site and the love of friends and family who love Patches and who love me.  Life isn’t easy.  If it was…….it would be called hockey (I’m a figure skater…….it’s ingrained to us to bust on hockey players 🙂

Thank you everyone, more pictures and videos to come.  I have a video of Patches having a doggy dream and barking in her sleep.  Even in her doggy dreams she’s a little three-legged bad-ass.

Have a great day everyone,

xoxo

Debbie And Patches