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Patches Journey

This site chronicles Patches journey through OSA

‘Tis The Season Afterall

Filed under: Uncategorized — careygram at 11:32 pm on Friday, December 2, 2016

Wow.  It’s been a while since I’ve been here.  It’s not for a lack of loving my tripawd community but still, my knee jerk reaction is to feel guilty.  But then I stopped to ask myself why it’s been so long.  I’m HEALING.  I didn’t think I ever would.  I wasn’t ever sure I wanted to.

So what’s been going on?  Well, I’ve had stretches of time where I don’t cry every day.  I can tell funny stories about my girl and can smile and talk about her.  I’ve even watched some of her videos.  A good friend and I were talking recently and we decided that even though the sadness will never go completely away but it won’t be as intense or as often.  You bet your tripawd I still miss my girl and especially now that the holidays are upon us.  We are all talking about what we’re thankful for.  I’m thankful for a lot but I’m sad about a few things too.  Halloween was tough.  We usually took the dogs trick or treating and they loved being out with the kids with their little glow sticks around their paws.  Patches loved kids.  Thanksgiving was tough.  There was one little care package for Rooster (okay a big one) but not one for her.  Christmas will be tough…….little girl’s stocking will be on the mantle with treats for Rooster in her honor.  I don’t know if he will eat them.  The firsts are still hard.  But that hole in my heart is healing.  It won’t go away but the jagged edges are smoothing over and it’s no longer a code blue.  I have my moments where all of what I wrote just now goes out the door and it’s like it happened yesterday.  But then happen less frequently and I have moments of sincere happiness again.

I’m sort of happy to be healing and maybe a little sad at the same time.  Part of me thinks I’m forgetting about her.  The other part of me says “as if”.  As if I could ever forget my little angel and her antics.  Her big, beseeching eyes.  Her doggy sneezes in my face.  As if I wouldn’t ever want her back.  Oh the things I would give up to have her back.  But the finality and acceptance is setting in and if I’m not relieved at least some of the people around me are.  It was hard on my son to see my cry all the time.  When I cry he cries.  And I’m not the only one who was grieving.  He told me his dad was on Canaan rescue sites looking for Canaan’s in need of adoption.  He showed me a picture of a white girl named Phoebe.  She could have been Patches.  My ex-husband is looking for another dog just like Patches.  And I thought he didn’t care.  How wrong I was.  We all show our hands in different ways.  I just don’t have poker face at all.

I’ve learned SO much from our experience with canine cancer, about myself, my heart, my dogs and my life.  I know that someday when the time is right I will adopt another tripawd.  I have too much love in my heart not to have another dog or cat (or bunny or parrot or gerbil or turtle……) in need.  Only this time I’m prepared.  I know what could happen; I know what I’m signing up for.  The first time for everything is difficult…….my first experience with a sick pet brought me to my knees and just about broke me.  But I go forward, my heart waiting to see her again so it can be whole once more.  I gave her a piece of it to take with her.  I wait to get through the first holiday season without my girl.  I have focused on getting my health and head back in order.  I am fit and 25 pounds lighter physically.  Spiritually I still have some more weight to lose but I’m healing and that’s what counts.  Overall I would say that I’m healing and feeling like myself again and being there for my son more and even myself and loved ones.  I’m proof that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel that isn’t a truck or a train.  It might actually be a gift, this healing thing.  Tis the season afterall.

With love and light to share with all of my cherished tripawd family……….. I thank you for reading.

With Love

Debbie and Angel Patches



6 Comments »

   dobemom

December 3, 2016 @ 5:25 am   Reply

Hi Debbie….thanks for the update. I’m sure it is very difficult hitting all these “firsts”; but it sounds like you’re moving towards peace – and still honoring your girl. I totally understand the feeling of guilt as you start to feel better. You want to move on, and you’re terrified you’re moving on. I’m glad you can remember the good times, and maybe smile more than cry….what’s important is that you do what YOU need to do – you’re on nobody’s timeline but you’re own. As always, wishing you peace.

Paula and Nitro

       careygram

    December 5, 2016 @ 5:02 pm   Reply

    Hi Paula,
    thank you for your support and kindness. You nailed it when you said that I’m starting to move on and that terrifies me. I was totally unprepared for so many things and the complexity of the grieving process was one of those things. It’s just crazy. You want to stop hurting and then you stop hurting and hurt about THAT. I’ll never understand it. I just keep trying to move through the moments and enjoy the happy times with my son and loved ones. But peace or not…….I will always miss her and want her back. I can be at peace knowing those two things will never change. Nor do I want them to.
    Thank you for giving me a little more peace 🙂
    xoxoxo
    Debbie and Patches

   benny55

December 3, 2016 @ 5:50 pm   Reply

Soooo good to hear from you Deb! I ALWAYS smile when I see the picture of Patches!

No, no, you are not forgetting Patches (yeah, as if that would be possible!)! You are moving away from the intensity of the journey, the grief, the void. That’s okay for all that ro take a back seat now. You are replacing all that with a more peaceful and balanced calm where you allow yourself to smile when thinking of Patches. That’s not an INTENSE in your face all the rime feeling. That’s just a quite place in your heart that is always there…a place where Patches resides and now you can feel it.

Yeah, the firsts are extra hard. But all the other memu of those times when Latches was in her earth clothes nelp take the sad ess away. We are sooo lucky to even have those memories! We are so lucky that Patches gave us all those memories!

And I CANNOT wait to see who Patches has picked kut for you!! It may be just the right time right now to start looking and see where Patches quides you!

Thank you so much for staying nere and keeping the I inspirational legacy of Latches nere in the forefront for us all to celebrate!

Sending you lots of love!

Sally and Alumni Happy Hannah and Merry Myrtle and Frankie too!

PS…Have you thought about taki g a dog ho e for the holidays? I know some shelters have a lrogram like that just during Christmas.

       careygram

    December 5, 2016 @ 4:58 pm   Reply

    Thank you for your kind words my sweet Sally. You always say the right thing. I don’t know if I’m quite ready yet for another tripawd but if Patches says I am, then I am. One thing I promise is that I’m never going to leave my tripawd community. You are all a huge reason that I am doing as well as I’m doing. I think I can speak for everyone here that I was broken and on my knees feeling like I was punched. It’s hard to pick yourself up from that and that’s where my friends here helped me to stand again. Thank you for continually being here for me and please know, I’m here for you too. And I plan on helping out others like you all have helped me. Your love and support are priceless 🙂 Thank youxoxoxox
    xoxoxox
    Debbie and Patches

   linda8115

December 4, 2016 @ 12:59 am   Reply

Hi Debbie so glad you checked in here. We too are going through all the firsts this year. Can’t remember when I have wanted one year to be done and a new year start as much as this year. I took Riley in to the vet for his yearly check up this week and while the vet was telling me how healthy he was I just started to cry because it was the same vet that diagnosed Max and all those memories just came flooding back. Most days I’m really good but some days not so much. But I’m trying really hard to practice what I preach and live like dog each day. Sounds like we’re both healing at a pace that works for us. Your sweet Patches left a deep void and those are hard to fill. Healing is indeed a gift. One our Angels would want us to have. I wish you healing and peace this Christmas and much love too!

       careygram

    December 5, 2016 @ 4:54 pm   Reply

    Awww, I know exactly how you feel. There are things that just set me off and bring me back. I really can’t let myself think about those final days. I’m just as raw emotionally as I was back then. It’s HARD to live like a dog every day and I know we are both trying but I still miss and wish for my girl like you do for Max. It’s a horrible journey, there’s no way around it but we are choosing to continue to be positive and honor their memory. and sometimes even though it’s a choice it’s still hard. I’m here for you and I wish you love, healing and support for when you have those moments.
    xoxoxo
    Debbie and Patches

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