Patches Journey

The last two weeks have been a blur.  I have experienced every emotion probably known to man on the “grief” spectrum.  Except anger.  And despair.  I’m a rational person and I recognize that I have a full life with a lot to live for.  I’m not one to think that my life is over because my girl is gone.  That’s my head talking.  My head and my heart often have “discussions”.  My heart says “how can other people go on eating, laughing, talking……..breathing……..how can they go on with their world when mine crumbled?”.  Most of the time my heart aches for my sweet girl but breathing is becoming easier and now I can reminisce and talk to people without my throat closing and eyes welling over.  It’s absolutely a process.  This is a non-negotiable situation.  Wanting and wishing will do nothing to remedy the situation.  So I take every day as a new day, let myself feel my feelings and keep busy.  Everything seems different but everything is the same.  I’m just re-learning how life was before I got my girl but I am different for knowing and loving her.  Sometimes I hate that I have to get out of bed.  Sometimes I hate people who are laughing and unaware of my sadness.  And sometimes I talk about my girl with fondness and love.  There is no consistent from one day to the next and some days it’s cry in my car and then get out and say “left, right, inhale, exhale…..”.   I’m thankful for the memories I consciously made while I still had my girl.  I remember the feel of her velvety little ears on my lips, the smell of her soft head…..her silky cheeks and whiskers, her little cool nose.  I let myself think about her in private so that I can cry and smile and just hold her in my heart.  It’s not easy but it’s possible to come out on the other side.

I feel bad for my Rooster.  He is not the same dog.  He will go and get his ball……..once.  He is laying around a lot, not eager to eat, play, smile.  I hate that I can’t help him.  I just hug him, love him and do all the things I did with Patches to make memories.  I tell him I love him, sneak him the butterscotch krimpets (he won’t eat oreos anymore) and I make memories.  He lost his love, his sister and his protector.  She protected him so much.  Two days ago the little border collie girls that used to love him attacked him, they bit him on the back and snarled at him and they hurt him, physically and they hurt him in his heart.  Had Patches been around she would have kicked their asses with three legs.  He never even fought back.  He never does.  He is the sweetest dog ever and our sole purpose in life is to make him smile, see him happy again and let him know I understand.  Let him know he’s not alone and he never will be.  It’s all new territory.  We’re fumbling through.

I expect pretty much the same for an undetermined period of time.  But one thing I know.  I’ll make it………albeit reluctantly.  I guess everyone does.  One thing that I do now is tell people……….hug your dog, spoil your dog, make memories.  You’ll never be prepared to lose them but you will have memories without regrets.

And so it goes…..

xoxo

Debbie and Angel Patches