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Patches Journey

This site chronicles Patches journey through OSA

Everything and Nothing has Changed

Filed under: Uncategorized — careygram at 3:54 pm on Tuesday, April 12, 2016

The last two weeks have been a blur.  I have experienced every emotion probably known to man on the “grief” spectrum.  Except anger.  And despair.  I’m a rational person and I recognize that I have a full life with a lot to live for.  I’m not one to think that my life is over because my girl is gone.  That’s my head talking.  My head and my heart often have “discussions”.  My heart says “how can other people go on eating, laughing, talking……..breathing……..how can they go on with their world when mine crumbled?”.  Most of the time my heart aches for my sweet girl but breathing is becoming easier and now I can reminisce and talk to people without my throat closing and eyes welling over.  It’s absolutely a process.  This is a non-negotiable situation.  Wanting and wishing will do nothing to remedy the situation.  So I take every day as a new day, let myself feel my feelings and keep busy.  Everything seems different but everything is the same.  I’m just re-learning how life was before I got my girl but I am different for knowing and loving her.  Sometimes I hate that I have to get out of bed.  Sometimes I hate people who are laughing and unaware of my sadness.  And sometimes I talk about my girl with fondness and love.  There is no consistent from one day to the next and some days it’s cry in my car and then get out and say “left, right, inhale, exhale…..”.   I’m thankful for the memories I consciously made while I still had my girl.  I remember the feel of her velvety little ears on my lips, the smell of her soft head…..her silky cheeks and whiskers, her little cool nose.  I let myself think about her in private so that I can cry and smile and just hold her in my heart.  It’s not easy but it’s possible to come out on the other side.

I feel bad for my Rooster.  He is not the same dog.  He will go and get his ball……..once.  He is laying around a lot, not eager to eat, play, smile.  I hate that I can’t help him.  I just hug him, love him and do all the things I did with Patches to make memories.  I tell him I love him, sneak him the butterscotch krimpets (he won’t eat oreos anymore) and I make memories.  He lost his love, his sister and his protector.  She protected him so much.  Two days ago the little border collie girls that used to love him attacked him, they bit him on the back and snarled at him and they hurt him, physically and they hurt him in his heart.  Had Patches been around she would have kicked their asses with three legs.  He never even fought back.  He never does.  He is the sweetest dog ever and our sole purpose in life is to make him smile, see him happy again and let him know I understand.  Let him know he’s not alone and he never will be.  It’s all new territory.  We’re fumbling through.

I expect pretty much the same for an undetermined period of time.  But one thing I know.  I’ll make it………albeit reluctantly.  I guess everyone does.  One thing that I do now is tell people……….hug your dog, spoil your dog, make memories.  You’ll never be prepared to lose them but you will have memories without regrets.

And so it goes…..

xoxo

Debbie and Angel Patches



4 Comments »

   Anna

April 12, 2016 @ 4:52 pm   Reply

Dear Debbie, I am so, so sorry for your loss of your precious girl. I have been following your story, and my heart is broken for you. We lost our sweet Mani to OSA last July, not even a month after his surgery. I just wanted to tell you that I can relate to every single thing you said on this post, and that all of us are here for you… Also, I personally believe that the bond of Love like this cannot be broken… Let Patches’ spirit bring you comfort and healing… With much love, Anna

       careygram

    April 12, 2016 @ 5:04 pm   Reply

    Oh my gosh, thank you Anna. You are so sweet, thank you for taking the time to send me some comforting words. I’m sorry you lost your sweet Mani to this hateful disease. I’m sorry you didn’t have longer. People told me that it was great that I got 7 months. It was but I wanted so much more. It does help to know that I’m not alone. Thank you for sending love and support. It really means more than anyone on here knows. I’m sending love and hugs right back at you. It’s not a fun club to be in but I have to say, the people in it are so wonderful.
    xoxo
    Debbie and Angel Patches

   benny55

April 12, 2016 @ 8:56 pm   Reply

Debbie, your heartfelt words resonate with us all so well. You give your heart it’s own language, and beautifully so.

Yes, our worlds seem to just come to a screeching halt, void of anything except debilitating grief. We know everyone esle is getting on with their everyday lives, we just don’t know how we ever will. Of course, we do, it just seems impossible when feeling such despair.

It breaks my heart that sweet Rooster is having such a rough time on so many levels. I know it seems hard to think about now, but Patches will send him a companion to help restore his hurting heart…and yours too!

Without question, you have lovely memories without regrets! And you can bet Patches loved every second of his life and certainly has no regrets! He wouldn’t change things one bit! Not one thing, because he had YOUR love every second of everyday!! He loved his life with you!!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. I know it still hurts so badly, so it’s very brave of you to let us know how things are going. We care deeply!

Love and hugs

Sally and Alumni Happy Hannah and Merry Myrtle and Frankie too!

Anna…I’m so sorry Mani had to head to the Bridge. Just know she still has your love with her, and her love is still with you!

       careygram

    April 14, 2016 @ 5:46 pm   Reply

    Thank you so much Sally. I think my heart speaks through my fingers. Sometimes I have to read what I wrote because I don’t remember. I pour my heart out here and God love you and the rest of the Tripawd community you all reach out with love and hugs. It is most definitely a process and no one escapes the exercise. Each day is a new and different day but always one thing is the same. I miss my girl. We all do, we just do. And always the Tripawd community listens, comforts, sends hugs and love. I care deeply about you and everyone here as well. The kindness is just humbling and wonderful. And you’ve made me smile more times than I thought possible. Thank you Sally, you are a true friend.
    xoxoxo
    Debbie and Angel Patches

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